Acts of Faith: On Change

              Change comes in all flavors… pepper and salt reminds me of me childhood – erratic with memories that float in and out with no definite destination. Strawberry and vanilla reminds me of my teenage days… it looks creamy on the outside, with a surprising burst that hits you when you taste it. 

             Between those two extremes was a girl stumbling through (still is actually) trying to find what is, what isn’t… what wasn’t and what will be. Some questions conjured from the deepest of her sleeps and left to the most unconscious of her subconscious. Going through life carefree and careful, daring to dream and live, and at the same time, tiptoeing around the risks contained therein. With each transition, the fond memories that still plague her are of her severe hatred of change. Change of seasons, with each one means she cannot remain the same. It meant new friends, new people, new places and new futures… She is like the character in the series Lost, Desmond who needed his constant to remember where he came from… he needed his constant to connect the dots.

            She sat in her college-dining hall a few years ago, a freshman, sitting alone as countless students streamed in and out. She mused on how they were all like her, at crossroads… trying to decide… trying to pick what way to go. Even as she stood at her crossroad, she realized that she needed a constant then.

            Sitting here and typing at the brink of swirling change, she is at crossroads. One road means clinging to grace as she continues to learn die to self and self-will… it means fighting to cling to the hem of His garment despite self-sabotage… it means continuously running back to Him even if she plays the prodigal daughter over… it means realizing that her view of self through His eyes is very different from her own eyes… it may mean a better Her… better than before the crossroads…

Another road means sinking down into the downward spirals of old morphs of self… even worse forms…

In the midst of this change, somehow her old calculating self of predicting outcomes has been forced to the background. She is tired. He “makes the moon reflect the sun” right? (Chris August – Starry Night), let Him figure out the outcome.

I want the flavor of my twenties to be even more pleasant than the pepper and salt… or the strawberry and vanilla… Caramel maybe? Smooth on the outside and even richer on the inside… or maybe green tea… not so enticing on the outside, but nourishing on the inside? I can’t decide – not my job. Better still, I don’t know.

            Let’s see how He mends this one.