Acts of Faith: On Friends and Fathers!

       I've always been someone surrounded by friends... not acquaintances that I casually know... or 'fillers' to talk to... I mean actual friends that I can connect with... people that I can talk to about what is really on my heart and they instantly light up and say: "Hey! I know EXACTLY what you are talking about'. And I want to believe that this is the same for everyone... I mean everyone does have a friend or two that understands when they lay bare their troubles right? I know I'm wrong to say/assume that.
     I'm also wrong to take the fact that I have some awesome individuals in my life for granted. I've never been a social butterfly... While I do have bursts of 'outgoing energy' during which I can fluter around and say things that may or may not matter to me, I've always and will always be the "I-want-to-sit-and-talk-to-you-over-a-cup-of-tea" kind of gal. And because I've had some awesome people in my life... some from high school... and currently, most from college... I think somehow I just always assumed everywhere I moved to, I would always meet an awesome bunch of people... or that I would instantly connect with other people... HA! Naivety... I know! I think the past year has taught me, quite solidly, that you hold onto old friends as they are part of your bedrock... even when you wean in with new friends. Maybe it was part of the process of graduating from college, but my first year of graduate school saw me missing my friends... a lot. I saw myself comparing new relationships to old ones... and looking for the same connection I had with my old friends in new ones... and honestly... it was lonely. Nothing as lonely as chasing an old vision. I went on in this repetitive cycle for a while... and then it hit me... I do have friends with the right connection that I am looking for... why try to fix something that isn't broken? I know this may sound obvious to many out there, but for me, it was a lesson in the making. I already had people that understood my qualms and my weird ways and quite frankly even if they thought was absurd, still accept me the way I am. *Exhale*
       So in a way, this is a thank you post... to friends especially old ones who are still in my life. I'm not one for cliches as they irk me... (seriously, if you want to hit a button of mine, tell me a cliche phrase... I'll do something mean to you in my mind's eye lol) but here goes... as the cliched saying goes by Bernard Baruch:  "Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind". I know there is also another saying that no one is indispensable, but it is crazy to think that people are replaceable. You may replace a role someone played in your life, but you can never replace that exact bond you shared with them... So in my efforts to navigate life socially, I've learnt the hard way that I do have awesome people in my life that play important roles, and that these friendships need to be continually fostered.
        Therefore... a toast! To friends past and present with whom I share an irreplaceable bond - I pray it goes on till death do us apart. To friends whom I've fallen out with, lost touch with or just fallen to the way side... we may or may not miss each other... and it is okay - if we need to be in each other's lives again, it'll happen. To future friends or those currently in the process of bond formation... I hope it turns out to be true friendship that lasts for a while. 
       On another note, Happy Father's day! Sadly, I'm not physically in the same location as my Dad this year :( I've been blessed with an amazing father that has encouraged me to be me, dream big and live larger than life... and I'll be forever grateful for that. One lesson I've learnt from the relationship with my Dad is realizing that I'm loved by him, and the rest of family - dearly. Knowing you are loved as an individual goes a long way in giving you a sense of completion... and in one way or the other, even when I forget, at the back of my mind is that lingering reminder is that I'm too blessed to be stressed (Yup, another cliched saying... imagine!). I'm beginning to realize that the relationship/perception of relationship I've had with my father has gone a long way in defining my perception of self and worth in the eyes of other people. I would like to believe the same applies for everyone... but hey, what do I know? While the prior statement I've made is true to an extent in a general sense, I also know that there are orphaned individuals out there or people from broken homes or those without a good father relationship... and despite that, they still have a great sense of self and worth. I truly admire those individuals, because they are the true troopers. That also goes to say that other people can also play the role of feeding you with a great sense of self and worth apart from your biological father and that is as legitimate as it gets as well. So I am aware that it is possible to not have a great father figure, and still turn out great! Regardless, the above is the lesson that  I've learnt over the past couple of years. My dad treats me like I'm worth it... being treated like I'm worth it has led me to know and realize that I am worth it... therefore, by default, non-compiling individuals and situations get shown the turn around :D 
In conclusion, a toast to all the fathers out there - past, present and future! 


And a toast to the Papa Father of all - God! Because, let's be real, everyone has a Father whether they realize it or not, and He is all around us.


Have a splendrous, and awesome week of joyfulness ahead of you! 

Acts of Faith: "you are not whole... you are incomplete"

         I *love* (emphasis on sarcasm) how the society we live in screams what we should and shouldn’t think of ourselves. It’s complex because you spend countless unforgivable times combing through the societal projected images of yourself that by the time you realize that isn’t what you thought of yourself... it’s almost too late? Well, as long as you are still breathing, there is still hope, and it is never too late. Never too late to realize the lies and the gibberish that the world imposes on us.  

Source: Google Image

Ever notice how categories are made based on what we have and don’t have?  We are told that we are incomplete or unwhole until we have this... or that. A graduate doesn’t have a job, and he is told that he is less of a man until he has money. A woman is single and she is told she is incomplete until she marries. A married couple is barren or waiting to have kids and they are told that the joy of children is waiting to make their marriage complete. A young boy is frivolous and strives to save his money for rainy days, and he is told that the only way to live life to the fullest is to spend every penny on stuff he sees in ads. A young woman is navigating and taking her time to figure out her choices and she is told she is incomplete until she blindly takes a path like so and so. Society screams at us: “You are not whole... you are incomplete... until you get this/have that/obtain it”.

Lies!!! All lies.

I laid in bed last week fighting again. Fighting the lying voices... fighting the discouragement... basically fighting myself. Fighting the “glass is half-empty” perspective when the whole while I knew of a fact that my glass is full and overflowing. I need to think keep thinking that way. It’s a different thing saying that I know that I’m blessed and another, thinking like a blessed daughter... Not just portraying it and wearing a happy mask... it’s also living that from within, being glad even in the solace of my mind, when my old self tries to regain control.

I am blessed.

And I am whole. Yes, there are things I would like to change, circumstances that I wish were different. There are things I would like to say, past buried pieces I would like to revisit... but changing them isn’t my job, it isn't possible. Revisiting them isn’t going to make me any better. And nothing, absolutely nothing can be done about it. I can't change the past. What I can do, is change my  present and affect my future. And no reshuffling of the past is going to change where I stand in His sight, or how He views me. Which is what matters. I am whole in Him. No, it’s not the next big thing waiting to happen or the next thing I lust/covet after or the next wish I have that is going to complete me. I am incomplete without Christ... and now, because I have Him, I am complete... I am whole.

And don’t you ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I don’t know what crossroads you are at, I don’t know what path you are stuck on, I don’t know what keeps you up at night. Maybe you are like me, prone to guilt and putting herself down, or maybe you are waiting for the next job, relationship, child, inspiration, ambition, marriage... whatever it is... these are good things, beautifully created by God to complement us and not rule us, not to define us. Our definition is found in our relationship with Him, and not in whatever it is we think will complete us.

So join me in saying: “I am whole, and I am complete. I am blessed”. I know I will be practicing saying this until I wholly believe it in my inner core.

I hope you have been doing great. I’ve been good... I think I’m getting burnt out, so many readings to get through - they can’t possibly want me to know everything lol. Anyhow, I can do all things through Christ regardless of what they want :)

Have a great week ahead of you, and take care!!!

Acts of Faith: A wreck and Upside Down

Ever had that epiphany where you've received a blow on your face... and to your whole being...






and you experience a wreck?





I am upside down.

Acts of Faith: On Change

              Change comes in all flavors… pepper and salt reminds me of me childhood – erratic with memories that float in and out with no definite destination. Strawberry and vanilla reminds me of my teenage days… it looks creamy on the outside, with a surprising burst that hits you when you taste it. 

             Between those two extremes was a girl stumbling through (still is actually) trying to find what is, what isn’t… what wasn’t and what will be. Some questions conjured from the deepest of her sleeps and left to the most unconscious of her subconscious. Going through life carefree and careful, daring to dream and live, and at the same time, tiptoeing around the risks contained therein. With each transition, the fond memories that still plague her are of her severe hatred of change. Change of seasons, with each one means she cannot remain the same. It meant new friends, new people, new places and new futures… She is like the character in the series Lost, Desmond who needed his constant to remember where he came from… he needed his constant to connect the dots.

            She sat in her college-dining hall a few years ago, a freshman, sitting alone as countless students streamed in and out. She mused on how they were all like her, at crossroads… trying to decide… trying to pick what way to go. Even as she stood at her crossroad, she realized that she needed a constant then.

            Sitting here and typing at the brink of swirling change, she is at crossroads. One road means clinging to grace as she continues to learn die to self and self-will… it means fighting to cling to the hem of His garment despite self-sabotage… it means continuously running back to Him even if she plays the prodigal daughter over… it means realizing that her view of self through His eyes is very different from her own eyes… it may mean a better Her… better than before the crossroads…

Another road means sinking down into the downward spirals of old morphs of self… even worse forms…

In the midst of this change, somehow her old calculating self of predicting outcomes has been forced to the background. She is tired. He “makes the moon reflect the sun” right? (Chris August – Starry Night), let Him figure out the outcome.

I want the flavor of my twenties to be even more pleasant than the pepper and salt… or the strawberry and vanilla… Caramel maybe? Smooth on the outside and even richer on the inside… or maybe green tea… not so enticing on the outside, but nourishing on the inside? I can’t decide – not my job. Better still, I don’t know.

            Let’s see how He mends this one. 

Acts of Faith: Being Thankful

Despite broken promises and hushed good byes and forgotten kisses.

Despite long wanted hugs, and far-away cuddles and swollen pride.

Despite stifled laughter, suppressed smiles and washed away shouts…

I’m still thankful.

There are stronger promises still. Pushed back good byes, and fresh kisses.

There are lingering hugs, present cuddles and blazed humility present.

There is roaring laughter, glowing smiles and echoed shouts…

Here and Now in the present.

I’m thankful.

There is more on the way – greater than I’ve ever fathomed.

[For a split second today, I looked back like Lot’s wife to count my losses and moan about the past].

[I had to slap myself out of it – how dare I ignore the precious gift of the present ?]

And so I’m thankful.

Thankful that she is here.

Thankful that he is here.

Thankful that you are here.

Thankful that they are here.

Thankful at YOU.

And I’m even more thankful that she was here…

That he was here…

That they were here…

That we were there.

I don’t know what you have in store yet – but I know I’m safe because you’ve already crafted my path from my inception to demise.

So thank you J

Acts of Faith: Stepping-In

This girl here never learnt how to ride a bicycle – she was too scared. She was too afraid... of scraping her knee, falling to the floor and hurting herself. She did fall the first time. She did scrape her knee. But she never got back up – she gave up and walked away.

She believed in doing that for so long – walking away. Walking away from friends. Walking away from loved ones. Closing up and detaching from those who want to come in – just walking away…

Then one day she opened up. A little slit that let a ray of sunshine. She opened further and bloomed further, blossoming into this constant metamorphic being… until she fell and scraped her knee again. The bruise was worse this time, deeper than the first scrape on her knee…

 But then she could decide to recoil back to herself or let go and open further for grace and grace only to abound. She could close up and hurt and stab back, or she could ease into the momentous flickers of life that turn on and off. She could turn around and run or she could stay and bear…

In as much as stepping-out is a hassle… so is stepping-in. Stepping-in-to-the-unknown. Stepping-in-to-out-of-control-happenings. Stepping-in-to-change. Stepping-in-to-what-is-in-the-hands-of-the-Maker-only. Stepping-in-to-warmth. Stepping-in-to-doubts-you-must-overcome-because-your-faith-overcomes. Stepping-in-to-plans-that-reflect-as-an-act-of-faith. Stepping-in-to-whirlwinds-where-you-dare-only-Him-to-carry-you-through. Stepping-in-to-new-imprints-on-new-lives. Stepping-in-even-though-afraid. Stepping-in.

And so, she let Him nurse that wound, making the skin newer than it was. She let Him let her be open. She lets Him now usher her into the sunset as she hears the freefalling laughter from the persons around. 

Acts of Faith: Stepping-Out Part 6

Finally Here -----> 

Image w/out annotated circle from: http://careersuccess.typepad.com/

Acts of Faith: Stepping-Out Part 5

I remember being scared about not knowing how to move on from the inside-out… you know preventing the yardstick of Lot's wife. Its funny because just somehow I’m learning the difference between reminiscing to learn my mistakes and reminiscing to be stuck like Lot’s wife.  When she looked back, it was out of fear for the future, which is okay… you know to be scared of the future. However, she looked back with the intention of never looking forward again. Her heart yearned the things that were against God’s will. She knew His plan was for her to leave, and yet like the four year old who pleads for candy he can’t have, she rescinded His offer. I’m learning to refuse her path… actively realizing that in this new setting I’ve stepped into, I’m letting go of the old gags of idolatry, self-sufficiency, pride and misplaced worth. Learning His way… letting Him day-by-day to teach me to learn His way is a daily and slow realization that He is all I ever need – He alone is self-sufficient. And the best part, is that He knows He is self-sufficient, all He needs is my trust that He is. 

Acts of Faith: Stepping-Out Part 4

The fine thing about perspective is that you can’t see where you are going at a certain viewpoint. From a distance, it looks very far, near, nowhere in sight… you just can’t be too sure. Just like Abraham, to his human perspective mind, he didn’t know where he was going or how he was headed to the new land. All he did was obey. The simple act of leaving his father’s land to this new promised land alone showed his willingness to give God a chance to prove that He is able.

I don’t know how he was able to do it, but somehow he survived. He may have been homesick, he may have bargained with God, he may have had doubts, he may have thought he heard wrong. I struggled with how to step-out from the inside-out. Not exactly the clearer of directives to carryout especially when there is no verbatim how-to-do manual.

It is funny though how as time goes on, you muster the strength. Slow, and painful – you look back and pick up the shreds. Piece-by-piece, some more painful than others, you heal slowly. Sometimes you can feel the burning scab, sometimes you just go through the motions… and sometimes you forget. Days go by, times flies and just like Abraham, before you know it, you are owing cattle, and land and you even have a son! Perspective is changing… wow! The seeds of the promise begin to take shape… however only you can see them because its not yet physical… you can see the end-point of your perspective only by your faith. You even wake up one day and just like magic – its as though you never even stepped-out in the first place. However, this time, the package is even better because it’s the initial design He had for you that you hearkened to. It is better because it is triple what you expected. It is better because you allowed him to change you… you allowed Him to show Himself mighty and able on your behalf. You allowed His Name to be glorified through your life.

Stepping-out is always beautiful when God calls you to it. It isn’t easy, but you know rest-assured that He has a better package for you down the road. It is in His nature to give you a better package, His Love compels it. It may not look better at first, and yet, as time unfolds, you’ll be only appreciative.  

So, take that leap,  and Step-Out in Faith. 

Acts of Faith: Stepping-Out Part 3

“Trust and Obey for there is no other way to be happy in Jesus but to trust and obey”

The lyrics of the age-old hymn ring in my head in combination with Proverbs 3:5-6 (NIV) – “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path”

With the heros of faith, there was that outward mark and show of faith. It required doing something – a physical act. Abraham had to move out of his Father’s land. Lot had to run and never look back. And yet, I cannot help but wonder, as they were on the move, in their process of stepping-out, how did they do it from the inside?

I’m here in this place, now that I’ve stepped-out, and am accepting it day-by-day, how do I trust from the inside-out? How do I trust and obey without letting my mind run in circles? I wish I could numb the disobedient emotions and train of thoughts.

I was thinking of the pain in my current niche as I read through Proverbs 20 vs 30 (NIV): Blows and wounds cleanse away evil, and beatings purge the inmost being.

It certainly is one crazy purge-fest here I tell you :D

Have a beautiful week ahead of you J

Acts of Faith: Stepping-Out Part 2

Genesis 19 vs 26 (NIV) – But his [Lot’s] wife looked back behind him, and she became a pillar of salt.

         It is almost like a thin layer difference of reminiscing and wishing things were different. It has been a couple of days since I stepped out, and I can’t help but wonder, while I do know that it was all for the best, how do I now move-on from the inside-out? There are times of assured forgetfulness during which I know this new land of over-flowing milk and honey will be nothing but secured love and assuredness in His presence will bring me the greatest fulfillment… However, I still find myself looking back at times… looking back behind [Him] like Lot’s wife did.

         I don’t want to be stuck like she was. She looked back and became fixated in the past, longing with desire. She looked back and wasn’t ever able to look forward again – she became a pillar of salt. That pillar of salt both literal and metaphorical is so symbolic of that instance when you and I know the new land we are venturing into is for our own good and yet, we stubbornly refuse to wholeheartedly do so, and in doubt we turn back and look in phlegmatic, nostalgic and drooping gazes at our past.

         Grace I need. Faith I need even more. Trust as I tread unknown patterns in my mind – foreign patterns as I ask for more Mercy because I am suddenly realizing that all I thought I knew is gone. All I thought I understood is no more – the truth is that I don’t understand.

“So you just stepped out of something? I don’t know what it is you stepped out of: your it-Job? School – you just graduated, and that Job isn’t coming or you just had to leave the school you dreamt would be your alma mater? A relationship that you were so sure was it? Someone - because you lost him/her to death? A friendship that you’d have thought would last all of eternity? The dream house you swore your great-grand children would grow old in? It doesn’t matter what you stepped out of/are stepping out of… the most important thing is that you realize that God is the one who allowed that stepping out to occur in your life, and just like Abraham who didn’t know where he was being called to, He has called you out of your comfort zone into a zone where you are holding onto Him and only Him. He is calling you into a land of fulfilled purpose. And yes, it hurts to step-out… He knows that… He built you that way… and He built you even better to live through that stepping-out victoriously.”

Join me as I give you the verse a lady told me before I left my Father’s land 4 years ago, and has gotten me through doubting days:

Proverbs 3 vs 5-6: Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will direct your path.

         

Acts of Faith: Stepping-Out Part 1

“Now I have the peace I’ve never known before

I find myself complete, My heart is spoken for” – Spoken For, MercyMe

Nothing screams a better “remain-in-the-moment” siren like a long bus ride. Ignore the context of the ride, luxurious or otherwise (although I would tend to think you would pout at the inconvenience of your situation in the latter case). Sitting here in my context-less bus ride, musing over circumstances and living in the moment, I realized that I identify with Abraham.

            Abraham was sitting in the land of his father – his comfort zone when God called out to him: “Leave your country, your people and your Father's household and go to the land I will show you” Gen 12 vs 1 (NIV). He didn’t know what that was… I mean if I was suddenly told to go to New York and settle there because that is the land that would be given to my descendants… Yeah… So I don’t know about you but I would flip. I would be so confused. I mean I would not just be confused, but I would want to know why… how… where???

            And yet, Abraham didn’t question. He didn’t ask. He simply obeyed. The old Man took his wife, servants and all he owned and followed the God who made the entire galaxies and universe by speaking into them. He listened, trusted, and obeyed.

            God answered me… finally! And that answer means a total overhaul and re-vamp… it’s a calling out into a land of the unknown… away from what I’ve known for a long time… away from the familiar and a purpose I thought I was called to… It is a step-out into grounds and waters where I’m constantly laughing as HE rides me through the ultimate purpose He created me for.

            It is therefore with uplifted hands of gratitude that I see Abraham’s faith and aspire to follow in his footsteps and do even more.

            It is with great enthusiasm that I talk to you directly:

           

“So you just stepped out of something? I don’t know what it is you stepped out of: your it-Job? School – you just graduated, and that Job isn’t coming or you just had to leave the school you dreamt would be your alma mater? A relationship that you were so sure was it? Someone - because you lost him/her to death? A friendship that you’d have thought would last all of eternity? The dream house you swore your great-grand children would grow old in? It doesn’t matter what you stepped out of/are stepping out of… the most important thing is that you realize that God is the one who allowed that stepping out to occur in your life, and just like Abraham who didn’t know where he was being called to, He has called you out of your comfort zone into a zone where you are holding onto Him and only Him. He is calling you into a land of fulfilled purpose. And yes, it hurts to step-out… He knows that… He built you that way… and He built you even better to live through that stepping-out victoriously.”

            With the time left on my state-of-the-art-live-in-the-present bus ride, I’ll continue to muse over and appreciate my current call and stepping-out. I hope you learn to do so as well :D

            Smile and have a beautiful and love-filled week ahead.