Windows

p.s. long post alert
Apart from the obvious reason for air ventilation in buildings, there is an aesthetic reason to having windows in buildings - the idea of opportunity. Too often in life, its so easy to spend our time completely tunnel-visioned on an angle or aspect that we fail to zoom away and look out the window for just a second. That was what hit me the other day as i sat in a subway train that sped underground. Summer is closing its clock on us in about a month... and i can say with a straightforward face that I've had a peculiar summer. Maybe not so different from others in the past  - i mean there was a LOT of change in the air, which is what always happens to me anyhow... but these changes were more felt.

    I walked out of a couple of phases into a new phase. I can’t say that i did that with open palms. I’m probably against my own good still struggling with just allowing my mind to reach acceptance, although it does get better with each cyclic dawn and dusk.
    Despite the immense good taking place however, i kept finding myself clutching and holding on and sinking into disillusionment repeatedly. And i started a new cycle of worry on things that have nothing to do with me. And every single time i let these new anxieties and worries clutch over my heart, like the swift prince charming He is, God always pulled through for me. More than I can say for myself.
    More good things that happened was the friendship between two of my friends and I - we kind of started this cheezy bonding get together of prayer and bible study over gmail. It went a really really long way in helping me get off my sinking feet. It felt good to get that reminder that I’m not the only one who gets constantly slapped by life’s frivolous tentacles. It felt good not to feel alone in this battle.
    And of the bad things that I let turn into huge monsters that tormented me at night, the biggest was letting sharp stakes of regret and guilt plummet my mind. I let this go on for the most part, on and on torturing myself to that abyss of emptiness. Until that train ride aforementioned.
    Zooming out. 
    Looking out the window. 
    Life is this way. No matter how hard I try to put it, I live in a fallen world. I am fallen, and no amount of my own good can clean up my inclination to sin and my own sins. Looking out the window forced me to see that i love spending my time calculating what bad I don’t do and how that makes me right with Him. I forget that it is His grace alone that justifies me - nothing of my own accord. I hardly walk around with the perspective that He has forgiven me regardless, and that He looks at me with a pleasing glimmer in His eyes. It is hard to visualize Him that way, and yet, that is what He tells us Himself.  

Another step forward, looking out the window, was about others. I am not the only one living in this fallen world. Others are fallen as well... broken shards walking with duct tape over their bodies as well. The war and ravishing famine in Somalia is one - Why does God let his happen? A man shot his wife to pieces this summer. Is God not looking? Jaycee Duggard told her story on ABC the other week - she was kidnapped from age 11 and kept as a sex slave untill she escaped at age 29 with her two kids. What can I say now? The God I worship allows this to happen... All these and more personal questions i had. Why all this bad?

Andrew Byers had some of my answers in his book “Faith without Illusions”. He spoke about ‘Hopeful realism’ - not so much cynicism, but not exactly idealism... it's that realistic inbetween where we reconcile the fact that we are in a broken world - we still are, and yet Christ came, died and resurrected. It's in the power of His resurrection.    

So all my brokenness, all of the world’s... all of our fallen melancholies... the injustices in the world... it’s so easy to get frustrated and defeated that He isn’t doing anything. But it’s just as He said in one of His responses to Job (Ch 39 vs. 1-4):

1 “Do you know when the mountain goats give birth?

  Do you watch when the doe bears her fawn?

2 Do you count the months till they bear?

  Do you know the time they give birth?

3 They crouch down and bring forth their young;

  their labor pains are ended.

4 Their young thrive and grow strong in the wilds;

  they leave and do not return.” 

He knows all that happens and He is still in control. 

    So yes, the world is messed up. That still doesn’t nullify that He is God... and that He is still God with all of the injustice and pain occurring. He is still in control, and He has the power to stop it all in a whim. And yet He chooses not to. For it is in our endurance and in suffering that obedience is borne. It is in that that character, patience and hope is borne for “hope seen is not hope at all” (Romans 8 vs. 24).

In the light of His resurrection, in the light of the fact that He has conquered death and all the ravishing sin in us, in light of the hope that He is restoring our minds, our bodies and our wills to His righteousness, in light of the fact that He is restoring all of creation to Him -

18 I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. 19 For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that[h] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God.  (Romans 8).

In light of all of this, we need to remember that we are in the midst of a revolution - we have been since the last days, since His ascension into heaven. He left us in the midst of this overturn of His light eroding the encroaching darkness. We are in the middle of a fighting ground - a war. Fighting ourselves, fighting sin, fighting all the evil and injustices in this world in the light of His grace... in light of the knowledge that He will win in the end. And it has started. That’s is why there is so much off balance - with good still present admist the bad, with beauty still present in the prevalent ugliness. So despite my disillusionment, your questions and our doubts, the Invisible Hand of God is still at work whether we see it or not.
    And I want to live in light of all of this - neither gearing way to much to the left in the brink of my disillusionment and cynicism and anger and bitterness and guilt and shame... nor way to the right thinking the world is all right in the grind of optimistic idealism. I want to acknowledge my brokenness and your brokenness and all of the strife in this world, and i want to acknowledge that is He is fixing it step by step through me, and you and the whole body of Christ spread out all through out the world. I want to love my fellow man even as I love myself... even as I learn to love Him. Not spite or envy or broken ratification... just love, and grace I ask of Him to know just how to do that.

p.s. Yours truly has moved into her new crib and is at graduate school. O Boy, it has been a journey since the start of the year... i'm just here, hiding till classes actually starts... i'm like in a veggie brain state - on forced break till I have to start classes and my next lab rotation. Thanks for your prayers and warmest wishes. Don't forget to keep me in your prayers :)

The Versatility of the Human Spirit

Yes, we are in a broken world - there is so much pain...

Injustice...

Bitterness...

so much oppression...

Broken Bodies walking in a path to find themselves... 

Lost pebbles along the bank of the river... trying to find their way back to the Source.

But somehow, we make it through. 

Somehow even if your heart has been drenched from its core, we stubbornly rise.

Ashes of the phoenix striving towards the new re-birth.

It's one great gift He also gave us - endurance... the ability to overcome. 

More than conquerors - to conquer self.

More than conquerors - to conquer self.

More than conquerors - to conquer self.

Because you see, satisfying the self is what got all this started in the first place.

Self that wants to satisfy its core and lunge from the breath of the One who breathed it to life. 

Self that wants to hurt and jab and pine and bore more holes into the cleave of others.

Self that knows not how to love self back and instead suffocates others by stifling for love.

Self that needs the Compass Himself.

***

And so to every self that has begged for a dime,

buried a loved body,

dragged a broken heart,

asked why the door was shut,

wondered where He was,

cried yourself to sleep not only because you had not,

not only because you wanted more,

but also because you wondered what all this is... this life... this conundrum...

to every self that can identify with the futility of the chasing that we continually put out under this sun...

I say to you - You are Strong. He has made You Strong, and Beautiful in His image.

Circumstances don't show it as we edge on back towards the faint light of Eden...

Your empty pocket, your lonely bed chamber, your broken limb, your fraying memory...

This side of Eden is yet to reflect what your innermost core yearns for...

Regardless... you still have it in you - strength to carry on. Strength to live on.

Strength to strap self off and not only endure, but live through another day.

He is still here... and in silent meanders of the morning dew,

He is still carrying you.

Delightful Find of the Day!

I came across this poem on Jon Acuff's blog. It just brought calm over me. I think I might make this on a plank or something and place it in my brand new apartment :)

Christ be with me, Christ within me,
Christ behind me, Christ before me,
Christ beside me, Christ to win me,
Christ to comfort and restore me,
Christ beneath me, Christ above me,
Christ in quiet, Christ in danger,
Christ in hearts of all that love me,
Christ in mouth of friend and stranger.

~ St. Patrick

SugaBelly's Language Challenge

  SugaBelly's Language Challenge by Mwajim Al 

I did say I wanted to do this. *warning - I didn't really know what to say, and I'm out of practice* - *hides face* - Enjoy!

Here is the transcript: 

Usa ma giri mjir na. Thimi aha blogsphere ni mwajim. E kwa Bura, kwa Adamawa State a ha Nigeria. Da ya ya ra azi amma e hara makarantar na ah primary ka sekandary aha vi. E sinda ga di taba gati yare na wa, kuma ya bara ke mji sinda arewa a nijeriya adi baushe kowe wa. Mbur ka yare yare hana kuma shang a buru ka lokto da na hara sur da – adi duku wa. Kuma kullini yaddi sinda sur ya gari wa… so ya za giri. Sai danzi.

Hello my people. My name in the blogsphere is Mwajim. I’m a Bura girl from Adamawa State in Nigeria. I was born here in the United States and did my primary and secondary school at home. I know you have never heard this language before, and I want you all to know what the north of Nigeria isn’t all Hausas (*gasp*, no this was not in Bura). There are different languages, and everyone has a way of doing their thing. And now I don’t know what else to talk about, so I’ll leave you. Later.

Invictus

William Ernest Henley. 1849–1903

Invictus

OUT of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of change
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

 
Invictus means "Unconquerable", and yes, it is inspired by the movie... and the poem. 

I'm beginning to learn the art of learning how to dance lividly in the blasting rays of sunlight that hoist our skies in this weather.  Yes, your payers have kept me at bay, and your loving comments on my last post placed a smile on my face - thank you :) 

I'm enjoying my first rotation and the beginnings of graduate school - every second of it. Sometimes, I get frightened at the reality of it... and think maybe I'm too young for this... or not ready... and then by the end of the day, I realize I want nothing more at this time of my life! This is part of His calling for me :D

Everything is all set for my move to my home institution for my year of classes! It all fell together perfectly... like an orchestrated ensemble. I have a Great Orchestrator on my side after all.

My friend D. made me realize i'm 20 feet under holding onto a ship that has sunk, and somehow, even though I know it has sunk, I'm the lone passenger trying to analyze why it sunk. I've fallen into the art of repeatedly telling myself truths to help me let go. I have a whole lifetime ahead of me... a lifetime where I must allow myself to emerge an Invicta - unconquerable. If I'm going to make it through this life victorious, I must allow "letting-go" become my middle name. 

Yes, I have the outline of my new blog about my new life - as a novice neuroscientist-in-training. I'm doodling over what my first post should be. Mostly because I feel so 'novicey' about what to post. I have much to say, I want to chronicle everything and look back and laugh about how naive I was when I started... I keep stalling. 

I've been dreaming bigger for the past couple of days. It feels like I have the world at my finger tips all over again - like when I first started college. *sigh* must be the novelty of it all.


I should go to bed now... but the fact that I've rediscovered 'The Office' makes it hard. 

Till another time my friends. 

Later.

I have a confession

I've been disillusioned for the past two months or so... maybe even more time than that. And its not just that feeling, there has been anger, and sadness and guilt... and more.... This song explains a bit of how I've been feeling. Talking to D and my Daddy today made me realize how far I've retreated... i've been running... hiding from people... I can't say it is over... that I suddenly understand and I don't want to hide anymore. One thing I do know is that I want to stop. Stop looking back, stop hiding, stop thinking everything is meaningless and find meaning... step by step. I feel much better now than a few weeks ago... although I know i can be much better by His grace. 

SO please pray for me, for this new person He is crafting me into... 

*Delightful treasure of the week - The Art of Abundance: A Simple Guide to Discovering Life's Treasures by Candy Paull.

Acts of Faith: On Pity Parties and Looking Back

***long post alert***

         I think I can finally sit through and sift through my thoughts that have been running faster than the speed of light. Sometimes I think I have it – like bam! there is a trail of thought that I can place on paper – but then it withers away faster than a lily placed in the sahara dessert. I believe in writing down my thoughts – the ones that make my belly churn and my mind toss and turn through the thick of the night. And so not being able to write down for weeks what I’ve been thinking or what I’ve been experiencing has been exhausting to say the least... a good thing to take a break but still  exhausting. My friend D and a stranger both said similar things to me over the past two weeks – something about not letting the fire burn out. There is nothing more encouraging in the world than hearing words you need to hear at the right moment – kinda like how the saying that a “stitch in time saves nine” couldn’t be more true at that instant in time. Their words made me realize that I had to stop it. Whatever it is I am going through, or what I think I am going through is no excuse to belittle a task I believe I’ve been called to. I write. People sing, people dance, people do sports, people knit… and I write. I hadn’t done that in weeks. Not even in my journal… not even in my love letter book to Him… it was like I was trying to sit still and hope the world would stand with me in my stagnant stance… but alas the earth keeps spinning on its axis. I’ve forgotten that I need to keep on regardless.

         And that thinking brought me to another realization about something else I do while the world keeps spinning at its bottom – parties. Yes, I party. I revel in them and specialize in throwing them. The special kind of course – pity parties. Oh they are so elaborate. I chug down my comfort food, turn off the lights and look for reminiscing information that makes me go down pits of memory lanes that would do nothing more than badger my precious time. I hold and host pity parties that leave me empty. It goes on in a continual cycle to – a triggering thought that would lead down to many incidents that happened years or months ago… I could even throw in a couple of comparisons here and there – why don’t I have this? Why is my life this way? And so on and so forth… you KNOW what I’m talking about. The downwards spiral of self-deprecative cocktails we serve ourselves at the climax of our solo pity parties. And I’ve been doing this for months… actually years. I’ve just been very good at deceiving myself into thinking it was something else. I’ve become adept at blindly ignoring the gracious good that has circumvented my life and instead laid so much emphasis on the bad that has occurred or the withouts that I live with.

         And in the midst of all this, I still get the sunrays and the silent breeze of the beautiful night blow past me. I still get my daily bread… with the occasional steak too! I still get the love of family and friends and the will to want to continue on. I still live. And it is still written that I should “give thanks in all things for that is the will of God in Christ Jesus” (1 Thessalonians 5:18). But it is hard… throwing self-pity parties comes easier than giving thanks. Hanging onto withouts sometimes comes much more natural than trying to see the bigger picture. No matter how bleak things may seem, I definitely don’t have it as bad as Joseph did. I mean jealous brothers, sold into slavery, attempted seduction, lied against, thrown into jail and who knows the much more he may have had to face. And despite all this, never once is it recorded that Joseph had pity parties or acted as though his circumstances shook what he believed about himself or the God that he served. Okay so he is human, he probably asked questions and wondered… but when it came down to it – when faced with the temptation that he deserved much more (like sleeping with Potiphar’s wife) he fled from that. Before fleeing, he even says he can’t possibly do such a wicked thing in the sight of God. I can’t say I flee from the invitation to think I deserve much more. Infact, I love leading myself down the aisle that I should get more – that slippery slope of ingratitude mixed with self-indulgence that leads down the valley of self-pity.

         No more. I think I reached a ceiling where I need to reproach myself… ‘defy myself’ as Rev. Martyn -Lloyd puts it. This will not be natural to me – as I already said, I love going down the inviting steps to that party. This means a shift in how I think… think of myself… the people in my life… and a shift in picking what I chose to focus on – the good instead of the bad and the past. So when self comes to visit as she is so prone to doing these days to pinpointedly talk about what I lack, I will blast her with what He has done instead… and what He is continually doing, subtly working in ways that craft me for His glory… even if that crafting process means I discover more things about myself that are ugly… it just means I need to learn to continually learn how to give him all of me – the ugly parts as well. So here is to having a different and new kind of party – thankful parties…. Gratitude get-togethers! Join me?

    

        

*** In other news – I think I am back, for good. I think I can think and write now – coherently :) and ooohhh... I started graduate school!!! I started my first rotation in a lab that works on Parkinson’s. I’m having a nice time so far. And I’m looking forward to moving to my home institution to take my classes for the year… so apartment hunting etc has been fun! I’m also really thinking about starting a neuroscience blog that will chronicle research related stuff and graduate school stuff… just an exploratory idea… ooo well.

         So please tell me, How are you?