I’m always talking to myself about opening up more to people. “Self-acclaimed introvert” as I proclaim to be, I always have an aching to want to be so close to someone that I can feel their heartbeat move in synonym with mine. No – this time I am not talking about God-expectations from people as I did earlier. I am talking about good old-fashioned companionship. Sometimes at the trough of my sinusoidal feelings, I suddenly panic and feel that I have no one to talk to. I know it’s a lie – there are people all around me that I can talk to, that can relate to me. So what stops me from just opening up and saying what bothers me? What prevents me from answering the posed question: “How are you today?” with “I am not okay – I woke up this morning with a hundred things on my mind, all about my tomorrow, and I know I trust Jesus but today I just don’t feel like pushing all my worries on/talking to Him, they haunt me and I just want you/someone physically next to me to listen to me and hear me cry.” Okay so maybe not that response as abashed in its verbatim form, but you get my drift.
I don’t know about you but I am terrified of people seeing me just the way I am – scared. I would prefer to keep it mostly in as a result. If I don’t voice it out it doesn’t become real after all like a friend once said to me. But then the contemplation becomes unbearable in my head – I would just have to say it out. The finale being that she ‘sees’ me – doubtful as I am. He ‘sees’ me – skeptical as I am. They ‘see’ me – docile out of fear of the unknown.
If we all truly showed our inner cores would we be able to deal with it? I keep wanting to open up more – would you/he/she/they accept me as I am? If he/she/they all opened up to me their innermost fragile parts would I run away in disgust pretending I am better? Would I respond that it doesn’t matter because I am the same way and let them know I understand? Or would I sit and do nothing because I am numbed that vulnerability and room for community has come to over take any pride and wallowed pretense?
What would you do?
Thanks for the well wishes dear. And I do hope that we'd both be able to open up more :D
ReplyDeleteI've never thought of vulnerability as a strength. I guess i've always seen it as something that makes we weaker instead of stronger. I'll keep it in mind. Thanks for the insight and encouragement.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad i'm not the only one who understands the fear of being really "seen" and to venture out and dare! Thanks Hannah :D Hope you have a great break!
ReplyDeleteI'll check that to see if that's a source as you mentioned - like a friendship/relationship disruption. I love how you you also bring up the distinguishing fears that one experiences, and which should be constantly cultivated. And you are definitely right, untill we see His face, and He restores us to be better that He intended us to be, we'll constantly struggle. Thanks for the encouragement and insight :D
ReplyDeleteI've been pondering about what you said - and you are right. I just pray that we can all accept it and ask for God's continual healing in that regard.
ReplyDeleteMy dear, I would open up. I have come to discover if the devil wants to torture someone, he'd isolate them first. Someone said, the reason why we have spaces in between our fingers is so others can fit in. I agree with Maidofheart. Do pray well though so you dont open up to the wrong people that could keep you in your shell for life. U get?
ReplyDelete-LDP
It may be that we (before others) are scared the most of our innermost, most vulnerable, most flawed selves. Think about that also.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this sometimes, and then I put my feelings into words and look for a verse in the bible that can help. Usually, whenever I feel like this and I check myself, it is usually as a result of maybe a relationship or friendship disruption. Then I have to watch myself and be conscious of building up friendships instead of pulling them down.
ReplyDeleteFear is a human feeling, and there are two types: fear in awe of God and fear like you described. The second is definitely not of God, as the Word says. And LOVE can make the second type disappear.
Lastly, I figured that until I kill my flesh, there's no way I can love like God does. God's kind of love is a selfless abandon, not caring about ourselves but instead allowing vulnerability and having an open "don't-think-twice-about-it" kind of love.
I completely understand being afraid to let people "see" you. I think, that, when one is careful with whom one shares one's self, awesome things can happen. I know with one good friend of mine there was something in particular that I was afraid to tell her what I was feeling about it, and when I finally did we got even closer. The thing is, yeah, we have to be willing that sometimes we might miscalculate and it won't go so well, otherwise we'll never dare.
ReplyDeleteIt's a tough call but vulnerability is an eventual strength. We grow to be better people when we open up. It's not an easy thing to do but worth it even with the pain sometimes involved.
ReplyDeleteAll the best, dear.
Same goes for me..
ReplyDeleteThank God for giving you the inspiration for this post.
Merry Christmas and a Prosperous New year! (2cute4u)