Mbaya.

You were so strong and so beautiful.
Hips held high to the sky,
Athena blushed with jealousy.

Smile so wide,
heart so nice,
life was full with you.

With you, was laughter
and boldness and
peace and wisdom.

With you was passion,
and generosity and
compassion.

If I am ever a quarter of the woman that you were, then I know I would have lived as I should.

I always knew,
from the minute I learnt your name,
that my daughter would be named after you...

Mbaya.

A beautiful ring to it.

A name with the force of the universe behind it.

You live forever kaka (grandma), though the earth is void of one more angel, the heavens have
gained the star that shone brightly in our lives.

Love you.

Impatience and Peace of Mind Part 2

              So after judiciously trying to figure out my feelings and thoughts, I've finally decided to suck it up and share my current struggles with being patient and less worrisome. As most of you know, I am a researcher in training... this means I spend most of my days poking around in the lab doing experiments... what most people don't realize both people who go into research and those who look at it from the outside is how much of a training it is in both frustration management and patience. If you are not used to falling flat on your face or spending hours slaving for something with no result, then this may not be something you want to spend your life doing :) Over the past year and a half, I have been getting lessons in that - the art of striving and waiting and hoping with fingers crossed. However, as time has gone on, I've noticed that while I expect my experiments to take time... while I expect progress to come at a snail's pace... I don't expect that to happen in life situations.

            I can give the perfect example of my relationship with catching the bus to lab in the mornings. Mind you, I live about a 20 minute walk away from my lab... and by bus, I am in lab in 3-4 mins. However, this short time is insufficient for me... apparently, at some point I must have started bargaining with myself that I should be able to "apparate" into lab *shout out to all my HP fans out there*. In short, I'd been getting to a point where once I flip from my bed, I suddenly want to translocate to lab and start my day, without a moment's delay such that any interruption with my mental plan flips my emotional state to that akin to an angry mother hen pissed at people disturbing her chicks. Anyways, let's just say, it was so bad that I was jumping in front of buses all in the name of attempting to be in lab early to start my day. To some it may just be a sign of punctuality, but knowing my heart and its signs - it was me being impatient. I mean, I could have just waited 10 more mins and avoided being scolded by the bus driver about jumping infront of his bus *yes guys, being a grad student is making me go rouge* This aside, and other patterns I have noticed just made me realize how much I need to just sit and breathe and remember to wait on God, just practice waiting... in something as simple as waiting for the bus. My friends, if I can't wait for a bus, I don't think my heart is really set then on waiting for other things.
               
           So yes, I've come to the realization that my heart is roaring with impatience... so how do I battle that? I honestly wish I could tell you the answer or that I've been fighting it well enough. The good news about this as with other situations is that I'm not the one holding myself... but I am learning baby wobble at a time to fully depend on the God who calls things to be as though they are (Romans 4:17) :D So, my God who does things like that will teach this tautly worrisome heart to be patient... I've been reading Psalm 139:5-6 to myself for weeks:

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
⁶ my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.

- See more at: http://mwajimal.blogspot.com/#sthash.m5OkO2eI.dpuf

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
⁶ my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.

- See more at: http://mwajimal.blogspot.com/#sthash.m5OkO2eI.dpuf

I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope; 
 my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.

Hoping in His word, in His truth... believing that the very words He says over me are true, resting in His irrefutable gift of life to me.

So join me, as I learn to just rest in the beauty of His love for me and you... It is hard, however, He gives us grace every step of the way :)

Love,
Mwajim Al.

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
⁶ my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.

- See more at: http://mwajimal.blogspot.com/#sthash.m5OkO2eI.dpuf

Impatience and Peace of Mind Part 1

I will start first with a verse and leave you with a song, before I offer the words on my heart in a follow-up post. Happy Sunday!

⁵ I wait for the Lord, my soul waits,
    and in his word I hope;
⁶ my soul waits for the Lord
    more than watchmen for the morning,
    more than watchmen for the morning.

Psalm 130:5-6 (ESV) 

  

Have a beautiful week filled with loads of hearty laughter. 

Love,
Mwajim Al.

Acts of Faith: Home

"Settle down, it'll all be clear
Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found" - Phillip Phillips, Home.

I just got back from Baltimore with a few friends and this song played during the return trip. I have now had it on repeat for the past half hour since getting back home. It has triggered some memories and brought back the fervor to put pen to paper... etch black on white... empty out a few thoughts that have bounced behind that poker? tell-tale face of mine.

I first got these lyrics from a good friend of mine a few weeks ago... I was in the heat of preparing for my candidacy exams... and to say the least, during the whole process of exam preparation I was filled with Fear. I can't explain the feelings I had during that period... It was like attempting to pick out an item from the aisle and being so scared of reaching out to touch the item. It was like standing in front of the door to your house and not being able to go in... well, just because you were afraid. I had a few nights where I would randomly wake up and just stare... I think the reality of everything just hit me all at once... you know the saying: "Ish just got real"? Well, I suddenly saw the realness of it all. So real... like the skin on my flesh... like the ground I walk on... like the people I see.

And to be honest, I had never felt this way before. I would get my work done, and at the end of the day muse over numerous possibilities. It was like I was obsessed the idea that I wouldn't come out unscathed. I remember when my friend sent me the lyrics. I had just spent all day feeling defeated and out-of-place. I felt like I was in the wrong space and time... I can't remember the exact fearful thought that had just crossed my mind... I remembered praying and wishing away the fear all day when a text came in... the words that got me were... "I'm gonna make this place your home"...

Home.

Home.

Home.

There is no fear in a place that is your home. There is no doubt and ugly heads of failure in your home. There is only peace and love, and belonging... that warmth that emanates from security.

I can't say that the fear immediately dissipated... but I got comforted that: "[I am] not alone... and [I] would always be found."

I'm still navigating this long road on the way home.

p.s., I'm now a doctoral candidate y'all!!!

Help me praise God :D

Acts of Faith: The going has been rough, and the tough keep going.

Title says it all. It's funny, I re-read a letter I wrote to myself about 2 years ago, and it just helped me put it all into perspective all over again.
*sigh* IT IS WELL :-)

                                                                                                                        June 19, 2011

Dearest Rahilla,

            Here we are again at another overturn – five years later from when you first stepped your foot at one of the most pivotal places in your life (and where you succeeded and conquered might I add) – ready to step into the next phase of your life. You are about to embark on one of the best and worst times of your life… exciting and terrifying, engaging and isolating… rewarding, satisfactory and yet with a lot of troughs. It will be hard, I won’t lie. There will be days when you will lay in bed and cry and will want nothing else than to run, give up and go home – but don’t. Hang in there a little bit longer and you will conquer and be right where He wants you to be.

            Here we are again – drafting you a letter to keep you strong through the next five years of your life. First things first, you need to remember these things:

            *** The letter for college still applies!!!***

1.     God has brought you here for such a time as this, for a reason and to accomplish a purpose. So honor Him in all that you do. Be honest, remember to love and give of love freely, your neighbor as yourself. And remember to love yourself as well. You must remain alive to do His bidding.

2.     In all that you do, do it WELL, strive for quality. Be the best at what you do – in lab, with your colleagues, in your studies and in your friendships. No one can ever lose from you giving the best of yourself that your conscience can allow to them. Nothing can detriment from your trying your best at finding the answer.

3.     Never take anything personal. Forgive easily and let go even faster. You are flawed, people are flawed – and inspite of it all, not everything is about you. You must remember that trivialities and trifles in life exist, not everyone is out to get you and yet no everyone will like you – regardless you must still move on. Live, Laugh, Love. Remember if all else fails, He loves you inspite of you and forgives you inspite of you, and hence you must forgive and let go inspite of circumstances.

4.     Always be true to yourself. Your principles, your values, your beliefs and your instinct. The foundation and core of yourself is what keeps you going. At the end of a hard bustling day of life, you lay on the bed you make, and hence you must always live up to the notions that will leave you in peace. There is no need to please others or live out of fear of hurting others – you must remember to do what will leave you at peace with yourself at the end of the day.

5.     Above all, remember to whom you owe all of this journey to – your Maker and the architect of your destiny. He allows you your free will and the gift of enjoying the pleasure of pursing that which gives you some fulfillment. Remember where you steam from – the Word of the Almighty God, the One who smiles at you and covers you by the justification of His Son’s blood.

Hold down your Forte, He loves you deeply.

Penciled by His Leading,
            Rahilla.

P.S. So, how are you? Tell me below :-)

Re: Sweet Reminders of Easter, vs. 2013

The reminders from 2012 are still relevant... what is funny that I'm still learning to apply all of that in my life...

... Galatians 5:1(NIV): "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

I pray I learn and keep learning what that freedom is, and pray the same for you.

HE IS RISEN INDEED! 

Love,

Mwajim Al.

Happy Easter

Admist the distractions, the craziness and intertwining loops of life, I just wanted to say:

"Have a happy Easter!"

Keep pushing forward :D