Don't pay no mind to the demons
They fill you with fear
The trouble it might drag you down
If you get lost, you can always be found" - Phillip Phillips, Home.
I just got back from Baltimore with a few friends and this song played during the return trip. I have now had it on repeat for the past half hour since getting back home. It has triggered some memories and brought back the fervor to put pen to paper... etch black on white... empty out a few thoughts that have bounced behind that
I first got these lyrics from a good friend of mine a few weeks ago... I was in the heat of preparing for my candidacy exams... and to say the least, during the whole process of exam preparation I was filled with Fear. I can't explain the feelings I had during that period... It was like attempting to pick out an item from the aisle and being so scared of reaching out to touch the item. It was like standing in front of the door to your house and not being able to go in... well, just because you were afraid. I had a few nights where I would randomly wake up and just stare... I think the reality of everything just hit me all at once... you know the saying: "Ish just got real"? Well, I suddenly saw the realness of it all. So real... like the skin on my flesh... like the ground I walk on... like the people I see.
And to be honest, I had never felt this way before. I would get my work done, and at the end of the day muse over numerous possibilities. It was like I was obsessed the idea that I wouldn't come out unscathed. I remember when my friend sent me the lyrics. I had just spent all day feeling defeated and out-of-place. I felt like I was in the wrong space and time... I can't remember the exact fearful thought that had just crossed my mind... I remembered praying and wishing away the fear all day when a text came in... the words that got me were... "I'm gonna make this place your home"...
Home.
Home.
Home.
There is no fear in a place that is your home. There is no doubt and ugly heads of failure in your home. There is only peace and love, and belonging... that warmth that emanates from security.
I can't say that the fear immediately dissipated... but I got comforted that: "[I am] not alone... and [I] would always be found."
I'm still navigating this long road on the way home.
p.s., I'm now a doctoral candidate y'all!!!
Help me praise God :D
