I’m always talking to myself about opening up more to people. “Self-acclaimed introvert” as I proclaim to be, I always have an aching to want to be so close to someone that I can feel their heartbeat move in synonym with mine. No – this time I am not talking about God-expectations from people as I did earlier. I am talking about good old-fashioned companionship. Sometimes at the trough of my sinusoidal feelings, I suddenly panic and feel that I have no one to talk to. I know it’s a lie – there are people all around me that I can talk to, that can relate to me. So what stops me from just opening up and saying what bothers me? What prevents me from answering the posed question: “How are you today?” with “I am not okay – I woke up this morning with a hundred things on my mind, all about my tomorrow, and I know I trust Jesus but today I just don’t feel like pushing all my worries on/talking to Him, they haunt me and I just want you/someone physically next to me to listen to me and hear me cry.” Okay so maybe not that response as abashed in its verbatim form, but you get my drift.
I don’t know about you but I am terrified of people seeing me just the way I am – scared. I would prefer to keep it mostly in as a result. If I don’t voice it out it doesn’t become real after all like a friend once said to me. But then the contemplation becomes unbearable in my head – I would just have to say it out. The finale being that she ‘sees’ me – doubtful as I am. He ‘sees’ me – skeptical as I am. They ‘see’ me – docile out of fear of the unknown.
If we all truly showed our inner cores would we be able to deal with it? I keep wanting to open up more – would you/he/she/they accept me as I am? If he/she/they all opened up to me their innermost fragile parts would I run away in disgust pretending I am better? Would I respond that it doesn’t matter because I am the same way and let them know I understand? Or would I sit and do nothing because I am numbed that vulnerability and room for community has come to over take any pride and wallowed pretense?
What would you do?
