I’m sitting here realizing that I’m in a conundrum of conflicting feelings and knowing that the one thing I need to do is get down to my knees and pray. Pray for the confusion to stop. Pray for the guilt to wash away. Pray for your love to flow through. Pray for my eyes to be focused on only you… and its hard. It is hard because I unashamedly want to keep worrying. I want to keep running. I want to not stop and appreciate. I’m in this dereliction of self-absorbedness where I’m considering me… me… and of course… me again!
Not me… should be the answer. Not me should be the focus. Not me should be the restitution.
I need to remain in you and you have of course promised that you will remain in me…
So why am I playing with this fire… this inward desire to keep wallowing here staring at me in the mirror?
I should be looking to you instead…
And in the moments that we take to suddenly stop and ignore? No – Look beyond our reflections in the mirror to see your image – love itself staring back… that is the moments that we see grace. The Grace – beautiful, abounding and abundant – able to provide anchors of strength, strength that makes us see that it is not about us. It was never about us – you as an individual. It was always about him, about her and about them. The outward gaze, the outward reflection, despite how hard and unnatural it is, is the supplemental richness that grace affords.
I’m still wobbling and bruising as I learn to deflect from the inner to the outward day-by-day.
