Wednesday, May 5, 2010

The Woman I will be staring at in the mirror 50 years out...

         When I was twelve, I started writing letters to myself on my birthday. I would write about my future hopes and dreams as well as how far I had come. It was a nice ritual. On my most recent birthday, I remember combing through my letters from the last couple of years... and it was hilarious. Some hopes look so ridiculous now, others make me glad that I have achieved them. However some remain to be achieved... still in the works! 
         I started another ritual in my freshman year of college. The excitement of the first semester and the cold of one of my first winters left me both emotionally and intellectually drained. I wanted a way to keep track of how I felt on different days because I had been having rollercoater moments. There were days that I was filled with a lot of joy, but then there were days when I was so down and lonely, I would take walks just to stare at people. On my happy days, I wanted to be able to look back at the girl who was so down the other day and understand why she felt that way... So I started a College Journal if you will. I called it 'College So far #'. It was nice while it lasted, my lst laptop crashed with my enteries so far... so untill I revive it, I can't get the information. Anyways, that's aside the point. I loved going back to read those enteries because I noticed that my way of thinking was slowly changing. I wrote about the things that bothered me the most and with each entry, it would seem like a slowly evolving person had journaled, and not the same person... 
         I just love the idea of keeping track of history. I also did another wierd thing when I was a teenager. I would chronicle in dates the little of big things that happened at home... like the day my Dad planted the first Pawpaw tree or the Palm trees or the Christmas trees at home. I would write down the date I got prizes at school or when I had a dream of something nice at night. The prospect of going back and observing that so and so happened on so and so thrills me. At most of them, I laugh at how those things meant a whole lot to me then. At others, I just remember the pain I had then... even though it doesn't hurt me anymore, it just makes me realize the importance or even the meaning of what had happened. 
            So the same way to this day, I am keeping track of the little things... the changes around me, in people and in situations. I used to think I would always be the same... never changing. Funny enough, looking back has taught me that I am definitely not the same. As things keep changing around me, and situations, I can't think that this is it... we are turning into the people we are going to stare at in the mirror 50 years from now. I can't help but think that every action or word of mine is going to be something my 70 something year old self is either going to be proud of or shake her head at in regret... I can't help but think that whatever decisions I make in the present will shape the thinking of that 70 something year old self crouching on her walking stick... 
            I do hope the decisions I make today and here on out as I have done in the past will continue to stand strong and true such that 50 years from here on out, I can proudly look back and smile. I do hope that when I meet the people I know today 50 years from here on out, we can proudly own up to the foolishness of the past and still be proud of who we are then. I do pray that when we look back, we can forgive the past and even if there might not be much of a future left then on earth, we can still forge ahead with the little we have. I do pray that God helps us all to not lean on our own understanding, but to keep commiting all our ways to him... SO many things to keep praying and hoping for...
            SO who do you think will be staring back at you in the mirror 50 years out? Will you be proud of the person you are shaping yourself into becoming?


P.S CRAZY week and weeks past. Finals are coming up and I can't wait to get it over with so that I can sail to a smooth summer by HIS grace. Have a blessed continued week :) I also just realized that this is my 25th post... YAY!!!  I want to extend my thanks to all my beautiful readers and followers out there. Your comments are encouraging, and even if its just one sentence, I pray you will always leave this blog uplifted as well.

14 comments:

  1. I feel u girl...but I think no matter what happens, we should try to do the things that wouldnt cause us regrets years later. Live everyday to the fullest, make the mistakes and learn from them, and allow them make you better.

    No regrets

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  2. Na wa o, maybe me sef should start writing letters to my future self. That should be dope. lol

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  3. @Nutty J.:" No regrets " huh? Funny, I have a friend who always says that. I will strive to...
    @Sugarking: lol... it should be quite interesting. Try it, you never know what you'll discover.

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  4. Awww I love this. Now I wish I had done something like that when I was younger. It's a great thing to look back and see where you have changed and see where your footsteps started and where they are now.

    I hope that when you look in the mirror in 50 yrs you will still see the strong and beautiful person (that's what you are to me) that you see now.

    Kisses

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  5. @Imoteda: You can start it... it is never too late :) Thanks gurl, that's really encouraging :) :) :) xoxo

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  6. "I used to think I would always be the same... never changing. Funny enough, looking back has taught me that I am definitely not the same"

    Yes, as funny as it sounds, only God doesn't change, we all do. That's why we have to be careful of the choices we make and the impressions we create cos looking back after some years, we'd certainly tell a story - good or bad; for regrets or for joy. May God help us. Thanks Mwajim

    Blessings of great success on your finals. You shall be the head and not the tail. God bless you mightily :)

    - LDP

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  7. @Jono... : Thanks :)
    @LDP: True, he only is the unchangeable being. Thanks for the luck :) :) :)

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  8. wish u d best in ur finals. lol the post makes me remember 'How I met ur mother' when Ted will write, Dear future Ted.... funny thing is I have had to tear apart the things I wrote a couple of times coz after I had outgrown it, I feel so stupid of sum things I had done.
    Great post and gorgeous blog tho.

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  9. Scolding myself for finding you this late!
    I thought I had visited you and I'm sorry I didn't get up to it..
    Nice piece..
    Toying with the idea of writing to myself and lol..
    I'm like..
    "who sai!"
    I had fun reading..

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  10. @Kennisblegad: Funny thing that show, I am actually watching from season one... fun times! Never thought of that analogy. Thanks for stopping by :)
    @韋于倫成: u too :)
    @2cute4u : Thanks for the stop, glad you like it :)

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