I used to hate getting a lift home when i was in secondary school even though half of my mates lived 5 minutes from my house. On the days my parents would be out of town or busy to come pick me up, they would ask me to come back with one of the neighbors. It shouldn't have been a big deal, we all lived within walking distance from each other... just a 10 minute ride... and yet I hated it. In fact it was so bad I would rather take an achaba or okada rather than get a lift home with the person that lived right opposite my house. And that I did, several times. My dad would be so mad at me. I would spend the whole day with him explaining to me the whole "No man is an Island" proverb. That habit followed me right into my school work, my relationships and my mentality - I hate asking for help. Growing up as a first child, i had always been the one asked to lead the way: chores around the house, making sure my siblings are walking to my right on the roadside, getting the good grades so that my siblings would do the same. I enjoyed it! I loved being the one looked up to, the strong one, the one never failing. My parents would fondly call me 'Baba', it supposed to refer to the man in the house, and yet they called me that. My heart always swelled with joy at that reference. However, that became my handicap. Because I got so used to being the strong one, i never knew how to be the one who depends on others, i never learnt how to ask for help... and that led to me never learning to let people come close. I learnt the HARD way. *Sigh* and i thought i could get through college braving through all storms in my geared up robot suit! I remember my first computer science class at college. I had never programmed before in my life, so when programming projects were assigned to us, i would hustle in advance, reading the material over and over to know what to code. I absolutely refused to get help, even though there was a free tutorial center for that specific purpose. There was this specific project that i spent hours and hours on, not knowing what i did wrong. The day before it was due, i called my dad complaining about my problem. He was like: "I have always told you times without number, get help. You cannot know it all. Go to your professor. Talk to your classmates. No man is an Island." I was mad of course. So fuming, i made my way to the tutorial center. It only took a minute. It was a syntax error. I missed a semi-colon. I felt so stupid afterwards, because I spent hours thinking of where i went wrong, when i could have easily gotten help sooner.
Yet, i didn't learn from that. Because I am just so bent on me being strong, I made it very *hard* for people to truly get to know me. I would sit, and gist and let them let me in, but i would not do likewise. I thought I could always get away with not letting people in. Its like I had this bubble around me, refusing people to come too close. For the longest time, I couldn't wrap my head around why people would call me to hang out, or trying to know where I was and what I was up to. Honestly, it used to upset me, just a tad bit. I wanted to be on my own, not letting others come too close. I had to learn the hard way that human nature is built for relationships, for community. I blatantly wanted to refuse community, wanted to refuse that "lean on me" adage when in fact that is the only way that one is meant to exist. I don't know, maybe it had to do with me refusing to let God truly take control. Maybe it had to do with refusing to trust Him completely, me blindly going on through life thinking that all the answers to my prayers would be a lightening bolt from heaven. My Mother says "This person devil doesn't necessarily refer to Lucifer himself, it is also our fellow man." I also agree with the inverse as well, an angel, or answer to my prayers can be my fellow man as well. I have come to realize the *hard way* that God can use people around me, my community to be an answered prayer. My stubborn insistence on my own independence is definitely another form of pride that I have slowly come to learn to see and allow God to change. Its hard oooo, I love being superwoman and yet, I hate being the saved one. I am slowly letting God use other people to be my superheroes, knowing that I can't always pick myself up when I fall. I can't always not let others come too close...
SO the next time you feel like closing up, and I know we all tend to do that, just let that person in. You never know, he/she might be the channel of help God is sending into your life.
On a side note, YAY SPRING BREAK!!!
Image taken from: http://i395.photobucket.com/albums/pp35/bohohideaway/helping_hands.gif
