Monday, July 5, 2010

I am a Recovering Sinner

Angry. Irritable. Vexed. I used to be. I still am.
Unfriendly. Aloof. Self-absorbed. I used to be. I still am. And I was okay… or so I thought.
In the corner of my frontal lobe, I was just too good for him, her, you… too good for all of them. Proud and narcissistic used to be some of my adjectives. You could still say they are. Uncaring and unloving masked in the shadows of shyness and low self-esteem were common attributes as well. And I thought I was okay.

I am not a bad person. I don’t lie. I don’t cheat. I don’t steal. I don’t do bad things…

Churning, slowly deep inside… the anger, the coldness, the pride slowly morphed into doubt, vanity, greed, self-loathing, depression, and loneliness… all the things someone shouldn’t feel when alone.

Why should I talk to Him? Does he even exist? Why all this pain? Why this confusion? I thought I was okay…

Idols in the form of school, friends, relationships, worries about tomorrow, technology all crept up and filled the void I wanted filled with something more intimate. And yet the void was too big… no matter the number of substitutes that were added to the list, the void still remained… more like a big wormhole…

HE can’t possibly be enough. I mean yes maybe there is something wrong with me… but can HE can’t possibly fix it all…

I had forgotten my first love… I never allowed Him to transform me in the first place…

Slowly... bark by bark, shreds of old self had to be peeled away, painfully stripped at times with tugs of war, at times with tears and wails of childish insolence and sometimes with graceful thankfulness… struggling with the indomitable God that willingly gave His life for the YOU can leave you with beautiful war scars that show for all to see…

Scars that remind you why you believe HE exists… Scars that make you say HE should bring the drought because HE saw you through the tornado…

Day by day struggles with the flesh, struggles with myself, me fighting me over who I used to be… in death and the more that I can be and all the greatness I am in Him occur within this fragile body that sometimes wants to give up and sometimes wants to fight through it all. I did let Him change my name after all. I am now a recovering angry, self-absorbed, proud person… recovering to my full health. I was those things… I fall back to being those things most times… and yet, I am letting Him spurn me onto growing into myself as noted by the new names He has given me… peaceful, joyful, loving, forgiving, content… I will continue to let Him keep adding to the list of new names He has granted me… and each new name comes with a new lesson, a new battle of which I must let Him conquer the old self.

11 comments:

  1. "...and each new name comes with a new lesson, a new battle of which I must let Him conquer the old self."

    You're sooo deep! Love it!!!
    I think ur my long lost twin!!! I can relate 2 everything that u write!!!

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  2. Day by day struggles with the flesh, struggles with myself, me fighting me over who I used to be… in death and the more that I can be and all the greatness I am in Him occur within this fragile body that sometimes wants to give up and sometimes wants to fight through it all.

    Reminds me of Jaycee's last post, Stranger in your own house. We just have to keep striving.

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  3. And HE will alway be there to pick you up when u struggle with ur old self...

    HE rocks like that

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  4. I am glad then that there is someone out there who can relate... phew! I'm not crazy then lol. Thanks :)

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  5. Gosh I totally relate with this post. I can't even pinpoint my favorite part. The void paragraph? No, it's the one with the war scars.... or maybe the last paragraph? Simply put, I love this.

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  6. Very very relatable. You are an amazing writer, I really enjoyed the way you laid this out. I think we can all relate to this, in some way or the other. Keep it up! :)

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  7. And I have been feeling this way for a whole month...
    Thank you

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  8. *sigh*
    Can so relate with it. Nice work

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  9. "I did let Him change my name after all. I am now a recovering...to my full health"

    I still fall back to those things atimes too but He is faithful, merciful. He knows my name... His strength is even made perfect in my weakness :)

    - LDP

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  10. :0 I'm glad then there are many more out there striving as well :) Thanks.

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  11. 噴泉的高度,不會超過它的源頭。一個人的事業也是如此,它的成就絕不會超過自己的信念。.................................................................

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