p.s. long post alert written in a secret place on campus that gives you a beautiful view of arbutus, MD.
The past two weeks have been torrential… you know the roundabout kind that keeps you in loop and back to the very beginning but at the same time morphs into a different form? This started leaking slowly and then opened up into a flood. Then I went away for spring break… to learn. To learn give of myself to others and not just me.
The harsh reality of it hit me – my world is just a minute spectacle in this galore of His. And yet, I spend time, pinning away and within… countless moments spent introspecting as though my burdens were the most gigantic in the world… and yet, 15 minutes away, my sisters get high on heroine or solicit themselves for a money to buy baby diapers.
This reality was added on top of my discovery of grace… let me put it this way. You know how you know what a strawberry fruitcake is. You know its made up of strawberry, and is a cake… and let’s say that all strawberry fruitcake in the world is given away for free – you would never have to pay a dime for it. You have been taught this fact your whole life. And yet, you never listened. Mind you not even tips are necessary for the service of this cale, in fact, they are discouraged for shame that people could think they could pay their way for a strawberry fruitcake. You still paid nonetheless… and sometimes with anguishing guilt to make up for all the other times you had them free… (okay so maybe the last part of the analogy doesn’t make sense, but you get my drift).
I have been paying for my strawberry fruitcake. I’ve been thinking that I can earn grace… especially after I’ve fallen. I bask myself in good works thinking I just need to pave my way and make Him happy again by appearing to be holy. I wouldn’t come to devotion or prayer out of love or gratitude but more or less guilt. I wouldn’t center on Him and His filled up blessings but rather on what I have not, and what I could have…
And then the anxiety started… and the emotional downpour. I’ve had down days before… they are no stranger to me… but these past few days were enormous. It was as though every negative thought you can think of was out to get me to forget who I am. And boy have I pined away – random outburst of tears… fretful worries that I may fail undergraduate… petty anxieties over love… baseless resentment against blood… you name it.
And I kept asking Him why… and I kept telling Him to just take it all… whatever it is He is uprooting from me… whatever it is He is shaking… whatever it is He is preparing me for… He should just do as He wishes… I surrender…
And this is where God sends in love in the form of friendships to come and pick you up. You know, we don’t see Him physically but He uses each and everyone of us to bring healing into each other’s lives (that I believe for certain). And my friend D talked about change, and His silence, and His answers and my blessings… and my ‘self’.
‘Self’ has come to be a great obstacle to me because I can so easily divert my focus from Him to me. It becomes why isn’t he/she/aren’t they doing this for me? Instead of why aren’t I doing this for him/her/them? So of course, it hurts… the pain… constantly looking inward and wondering about myself… and all the ‘What ifs?’… and in the middle of this pain and anxiety, I started plowing through old writings of mine… from about almost two years ago… and I realized that if my self from two years ago saw how I spent the past two weeks, she would mercilessly beat the anxiety and sadness out of me. This is what I had been waiting for for the past couple of years… where I am right now. I’m getting ready to graduate… getting ready to move on to the next phase… and yet all I pine over is myself? And another thing that made me realize the futility of my current state was who I am – I am the daughter of the One who calls things that are not as though they are (Romans 4:17)… enough said.
So I am slowly learning… not all the pain and the anxiety has disappeared… but I am fighting this ‘self’ down… she needs to be still and know who her Maker is… she needs to know that grace cannot be earned – its right here, enveloping her and holding her hand every step of the way, no matter how dark she thinks it is… and she needs to get over herself, to give more and of herself to others.
Phew! Its going to be a journey.
God is surely shaking those things that need to be shaken out of your life. One comforting thing I know is that you are not alone. The enemy may want you to think that, but it's not true. All of us go through phases of change, where even our foundations are shaken to see whether they stand. Of course, if the foundations are based upon the solid rock (Christ), they will stand regardless of earthquakes or tumultuous times. But what can the righteous do if the foundations are destroyed? Nothing, but to trust in God to build it back again.
ReplyDeleteMwajim, this too SHALL pass. It's a done deal.
"we don’t see Him physically but He uses each and everyone of us to bring healing into each other’s lives"
ReplyDeleteI concur. Our walk with him is a process and when we break through one wall, there's so much more of Him, so much that we think, oh yes, this must be it...and that carries us, until we reach the next wall, and we must keep walking on and breaking through them all, cos therein lies the beauty of unravelling the mystery og the fullness of who He really is.....(hope i didnt just blab :), it made sense to me)
Thanks Jaycee... it's good to know that I am not alone even though it's every easy to think so. I'll keep holding on :)
ReplyDeleteI love your analogy of walking and breaking through walls... it's funny because every time i think i've broken through one, i think that's the end of the road... when it really one has been baby steps. So no, you blab not, lol. I get you. Thanks :)
ReplyDeleteI'm so back and to be the first post to read on your blog is like a personal message to me..
ReplyDeleteGod just keeps speaking to me through unusual channels.. How are you? Hope you good? Take care.