Turnover Tuesdays V

"I had a dream that I was captain of my soul
I was master of my fate, lost control. and then I sank
So I don't want to take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes
All the folks who follow me, going end up in the wrong place" - Lecrae, "Background"

The Other Day

I saw you again the other day.
After so many years gone by, it seemed comprehensible that I would forget you...
You sat right across me,
on the train that wheezed by untold destinations we would never speak of.
You stared and I stared back.
No recognition.

You had the same contours...
your eyes, old and tired.
You lips, dry and set.
Your hair, dark and gray.
Not a day older than the last time I saw you...
not a day older, in my mind...
and yet, here you are frail and worn.
The years have gone by.

I searched and searched into your face,
taking the painstaking stranger glances,
fearful you would bark me off as a stalker,
and yet, hopeful you would recognize me.

It was too much to hope for.
The years have gone by.

It seemed comprehensible that I would forget you...
You sat right across me,
on the train that wheezed by untold destinations we would never speak of.
You stared and I stared back.
Not an atom of recognition.

Acts of Faith: "you are not whole... you are incomplete"

         I *love* (emphasis on sarcasm) how the society we live in screams what we should and shouldn’t think of ourselves. It’s complex because you spend countless unforgivable times combing through the societal projected images of yourself that by the time you realize that isn’t what you thought of yourself... it’s almost too late? Well, as long as you are still breathing, there is still hope, and it is never too late. Never too late to realize the lies and the gibberish that the world imposes on us.  

Source: Google Image

Ever notice how categories are made based on what we have and don’t have?  We are told that we are incomplete or unwhole until we have this... or that. A graduate doesn’t have a job, and he is told that he is less of a man until he has money. A woman is single and she is told she is incomplete until she marries. A married couple is barren or waiting to have kids and they are told that the joy of children is waiting to make their marriage complete. A young boy is frivolous and strives to save his money for rainy days, and he is told that the only way to live life to the fullest is to spend every penny on stuff he sees in ads. A young woman is navigating and taking her time to figure out her choices and she is told she is incomplete until she blindly takes a path like so and so. Society screams at us: “You are not whole... you are incomplete... until you get this/have that/obtain it”.

Lies!!! All lies.

I laid in bed last week fighting again. Fighting the lying voices... fighting the discouragement... basically fighting myself. Fighting the “glass is half-empty” perspective when the whole while I knew of a fact that my glass is full and overflowing. I need to think keep thinking that way. It’s a different thing saying that I know that I’m blessed and another, thinking like a blessed daughter... Not just portraying it and wearing a happy mask... it’s also living that from within, being glad even in the solace of my mind, when my old self tries to regain control.

I am blessed.

And I am whole. Yes, there are things I would like to change, circumstances that I wish were different. There are things I would like to say, past buried pieces I would like to revisit... but changing them isn’t my job, it isn't possible. Revisiting them isn’t going to make me any better. And nothing, absolutely nothing can be done about it. I can't change the past. What I can do, is change my  present and affect my future. And no reshuffling of the past is going to change where I stand in His sight, or how He views me. Which is what matters. I am whole in Him. No, it’s not the next big thing waiting to happen or the next thing I lust/covet after or the next wish I have that is going to complete me. I am incomplete without Christ... and now, because I have Him, I am complete... I am whole.

And don’t you ever let anyone tell you otherwise. I don’t know what crossroads you are at, I don’t know what path you are stuck on, I don’t know what keeps you up at night. Maybe you are like me, prone to guilt and putting herself down, or maybe you are waiting for the next job, relationship, child, inspiration, ambition, marriage... whatever it is... these are good things, beautifully created by God to complement us and not rule us, not to define us. Our definition is found in our relationship with Him, and not in whatever it is we think will complete us.

So join me in saying: “I am whole, and I am complete. I am blessed”. I know I will be practicing saying this until I wholly believe it in my inner core.

I hope you have been doing great. I’ve been good... I think I’m getting burnt out, so many readings to get through - they can’t possibly want me to know everything lol. Anyhow, I can do all things through Christ regardless of what they want :)

Have a great week ahead of you, and take care!!!

Contentment

    You know that peach perfect day when you stand on the green grass and feel the air sharp and fresh through your lungs...? When you look up into the clear skies and YOU JUST KNOW YOU ARE CONTENT? The imagery sets the scene. You don’t have to actually be in that scenario... but you know what I mean. And I’m not talking about financial contentment or the material kind or the companion kind... I’m talking about the contentment that shows up in between the crevices of your day. You wake up in the morning, and all is calm... in the sparse moments of the day while you are busy hustling up the pieces of life, you are just pleased even in the hustling... And at the end of the day, there is just that silent mental check you are okay with everything in your life. The current pace you are at, the minute things you do that bring you pleasure... It’s like suddenly the pawns are falling together and even though you still don’t get the strategy of the game at hand, you are okay with the flow - just the way it is.

This is where I am. And honestly, I feel like yelping out loud in joy at this realization. It happened sometime over the past couple of weeks... and in a weird kind of way, I don’t know what to attribute it to. I don’t know if it’s my new phase in life, or me just being pleased with where I am. Whichever it is, one thing I do know is that it’s a threshold of healing from Him, and it just makes me so glad.

So tell me, How are you?

    




Google Image