I've known that theoretically. It's like math: 1 + 1 = 2 - someone hurts you, you forgive them. You just let go. But for me, letting go means I profess with my lips and imagine 1001 ways to serve revenge cold. But of course, God must be looking out for them because I'm a wuss I never get the opportunity.
So here I am, sitting and listening to people talk to me about forgiveness and my mind is going: "yadda yadda yadda... same old kapeesh"... until they bring up the heart: the seed and harbor of all intentions.
I mean if I backed up for one second and reviewed what I honestly wished for people I've been harboring in my heart:
1) Would it be good intentions? Nope.
2) Have I or have I not imagined scenarios and rehearsed (emphasis on rehearsed) where they beg on their knees for my forgiveness? Yup.
3) Have I passively aggressively played good nice wonderful girl, freely giving out my "forgiveness" readily without their asking knowing well I would pine in anger and retribution? Absolutely.
And Ladies and Gentlemen, I've been claiming for years that I easily forgive... that I easily let go (adjusts halo) and still, the intentions of my heart portray a different light.
The people talking to me on this occasion went on to say different things: "We need to forgive so that God forgives us...", "We forgive just as Christ forgave us..." etc etc... Still yap to my ears... It should have clicked earlier... I know... If I claim to be in absolute awe of the Almighty One, the thought of my sins being forgiven as I forgive others should have me running to my heart's armed safe, beaming it with laser rays and releasing whosoever I hold in... It didn't click yet. What clicked was that: "Whoever hurt you is just like you, hurting in some way or the other..." Whether they hurt you intentionally or not... whether this offensive act that hurts you was big or small... That's just it... they're human too.
And there it is folks. Somehow I think letting go from the heart suddenly made sense... I know, I know. (I shouldn't hold people on some weird abstract playing field, where I expect them to do no wrong). I should know this stuff. Or it seems I should have. But at that instant in time, it just made perfect sense. Lip profession. Act forgiving. None of that matters if I can't let my heart rest in the solace of just letting go and moving on...
I think this has been a long time coming... and for the first time today... reviewing stuff from this year... I realized that in a weird way... I'm becoming this girl who actually is letting go and moving on (for real this time guys, no daggers in heart). I know I write about this on here often enough that one would have thought: "Whatever it is, just suck it up... it's life, it's unfair..." But that's just the thing... that doesn't cut it for me. I can't just suck it up... I can't just view it as life. Well, one could then say: "Well, did you come up with answers that help you cope or deal?" Honestly... No! And i don't think that will ever happen. Not on this side of heaven.
What is happening every day however is the decluttering of this heart. I know - it's my copyrighted term.
More room for love - because I need it. Disclaimer: Love from Jesus.
More room for peace - because i'm a volatile belle.
More room for joy - because I have to overflow some more.
More room for truth - because it's all there is to live for.
More room for His goodness - because nothing else can stay. Nothing else. Nothing.
Phew.
That's a nice load off my chest.
And so onto more positives.
You. I know it's easy to believe you've forgiven. Your words say it. You act it. You've cut them out, or still let them in - whichever the case. What else could there be to forgive? But that's just half of the story. In your times of frustration and road blocks, they take the mental heat from you... they take all the leashed arrows... But the truth is, honestly, you're the one taking the leashed arrows. Like a monk sworn to silence, your promise eats you up. You're the one to set free, not them. You're the one who needs to show mercy... not to them, but to you. So, look inside you... your heart, muscle and blood, beating in chest and with one deep sigh and breath just release yourself... you deserve better. Better than broken promises of a past life. Better than lost memories of an frozen childhood. Better than shards of a memorabilia... You deserve space for the beauty and fullness that Christ came to free you into. It takes time, I know... just crawl, drag, run, sprint, walk (forward of course)... whatever you have to do... just don't stay stuck.
And then, we can say this in harmony when we've fully forgiven, fully moved on, strengthened that the best days are happening now in His arms:
10 I delight greatly in the Lord;
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
my soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of his righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the soil makes the sprout come up
and a garden causes seeds to grow,
so the Sovereign Lord will make righteousness
and praise spring up before all nations.
Isaiah 61: 10-11 (NIV)
Have yourself a delightful weekend!
And, may this month be one of your best months yet :D
Love,
Mwajim Al.
Thanks for the post! It made me realize that I haven't really worked out the forgiveness thing, i think i get through it eventually by having selective amnesia. :-0 I need to do better.
ReplyDeleteHappy November, dear!
http://wordspeakwithin.blogspot.com
Thanks for the post, we all experience it, Well I'll speak for myself; easily professing with the mouth but secretly hurting in the depths of heart, wishing the offender will realize their mistake, No one likes being used for a fool, but in the end, we do ourself more hurt than good for holding them up while we could have moved on. I'm pretty sure there's enough strength in Christ to help heal the hearts if we can tap into him. Have a blessed November u too
ReplyDeleteWow, okay. I wasn't expecting to feel convicted by this post, but you've done it. Honestly, forgiveness is one of the hardest things to do, and for all the reasons you mentioned. And the worst part is like you said - we **know** we should forgive because God forgives us, and yet it's still incredibly hard to do. We want people to feel the pain they've inflicted on us, we want them to suffer like we have, we want the evil pleasure of knowing they're suffering like we did.
ReplyDeleteSigh. May God transform us to be more and more like Him. :)