Letting Go

I’m currently in this state where I have so much to say and yet at the same time, do not posses the articulate symphony to orchestrate down on paper. I blame this state of being on the retreat I attended a week or so ago. It was hosted by Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. The blame is a good kind of blame. You know how retreats or camps are  - so charged, and wholesome and liberating and optimistic. While you are there, you feel like you can change the world with just the flicker of candlelight. Well, that is exactly how I felt while there. And at the same time, being at retreats open up these strongholds you’ve held in your life for so long… well at least the messages preached there opened a lot of strongholds in my life. And that is where I’ve been. In a swarming state of change where I’ve looked at those strongholds that I’ve held onto for so long… places in my innermost core that I refused to let the God who knitted me in the womb touch and heal… places that I refused to let His word permeate. It was discovering those places, and reflecting on them since I got home and being more aware of more things that I need to lay at his feet that has got me feeling like I have so much to say, and yet at the same time, nothing to say.

My stronghold has been in the area of letting go. I’ve held on to so many things that you could see the “knuckles of my hands go white”. Its like holding on so bad to something because you irreverently refuse to change despite the fact that you know that is not who you are meant to be. The speaker we had was Pastor Matthew Boone, he works predominately in the prison ministry in Lancaster, P.A. There was something he said about change that struck a cord: “You can only change when the pain of being the same is greater than the pain of changing.” I guess the pain of holding on too tight just got greater that night. One day, I pray I’ll be strong enough to write about that stronghold and tell you the beautiful story of how God healed me and is still healing me. I held onto things that I had no place holding onto. The things that hurt us, the things people do to us, say to us, force us to do that break us down leads us to think that we can survive by holding onto them. We think that just maybe by holding onto it, we become stronger and somehow we can hurt them back by never letting go. The truth is that when we hold onto things, they latch back onto us in the same regard. That process of holding on creates and brings out the worst in us… and the worst thing isn’t the worst side of us, it’s the fact that we misplace the reason for our actions. We never realize that we are holding onto things that God only is meant to cover.

I hope I can write to the full extent how much I had let so much anger, and frustration and bitterness hold onto me... one day. Maybe I will. Maybe I will never be given the grace to. But one thing I do want you to know is that it doesn’t matter what she did or said, what he said or did, what they did or didn’t do, say or didn’t say, what we did or didn’t say or what you did or didn’t do and say or didn’t say… just let it go. God has the power to heal all of that, I mean you must be tired by now, weary and ladded with all that hurt and bitterness and frustration and pain. Just let it go – give it to Him. Afterall, He created you, and he knows how to deal with what you are going through. I’ve been there, and once you let go and let Him, even a feather will have nothing on you as to how light you will be in His grace!

My prayer is that whoever you are, whatever it is you are going through, that you realize that you are not alone, and despite what you may think or feel, God loves you so much and is knocking at the door of your heart and wants you to let Him in.

Have a great rest of the week… I know I will J