Meandering Mondays III - A Secret

Hush now! Let me tell you a secret. A big secret… one that I’m afraid to say out loud to many people… probably anyone.

I feel like running away to hide most of the time.

I want to hide for cover. I want to run from life's daily activities. I just want to hide under my blankets and pray and cling to Him as he heals my weary self. I dread going out, meeting the outside world… stepping out of my comfort zone. Not because I’m a self-acclaimed introvert, or because I’m shy and awkward most of the time – no, not that. It is because I just want to remain stainless. I know if I run into him, I will probably remember all the things about him that upsets me, and I’ll forget that I’ve forgiven. If I interact with her, I will judge and condemn away as though I’m sinless. If I run into them, I will turn up my nose like a constipated aristocrat that knows not where the loo lies. And so I want to hide under the sheets with the just whitened garment he has given me so that I won’t stain them again.

But if I hide, how would I know if He has really changed me? How does He test my love for Him otherwise? If all I do is run from hoops and hurdles, how do I get stronger for the beauty He has created me for?

And so, when I run into him, I’ll ask for grace. I’ll feel the pang of anger, and fear, and resentment and ask for His grace to over-wash me and give me a heart of forgiveness. When I interact with her, I’ll remember the messed up person I am, and how I’m not mess-free after all – I’m still a pot being molded. And when I run into them, I’ll ask for grace to be humble, I’ll ask to be broken down; I’ll ask to be reminded that all I have, all I am, and all I ever was can only be found in Him and nothing else.

            I am going to stop wanting to hide, or run and yield instead.

            Are you?