Monday, January 24, 2011

Loneliness and Fighting with God.

p.s. long post alert! and stylish and versatile blogger awards below!!!
I woke up the other day in a different city, on a different bed (planned of course and not without my knowledge) and the first thing that hit my head was that it has been over a year since I stopped waking up feeling alone. You see I’ve been away from my family and most of the people I grew to love for close to five years. At first, I was bubbly and all excited you know. The teenage dream of leaving home to be independent and free of every beck and call became my actualization. And I lived that dream. I loved every minute of it. I loved going to bed when I wanted… I still remember the first time I stayed up past 3a.m. my first year, and I felt so tired and yet excited that I had been able to do this without the fear of my dad bursting into the room and inquiring as to why I was still awake. I loved that I could order food for delivery and many more… you know the perks of college. But the novelty died down soon enough. It just took a semester and I was vying for life. I wanted that warmth and that familiarity I had known for seventeen years of my life back. I was at odds with change, with my dream and all the reasons that made me come to college in the U.S. I began to fight with God.
                  And no, this is not that moment in time when you are wrestling with God for your blessings or when you genuinely are waiting on Him. No, I’m talking about the fight where you refuse to talk to the Person, you ignore Him when He sends people your way, you angrily retort back at your loved ones, you cry out and lash out for no reason and you question His very existence for the very reason you had admitted was a blessing. I was mad. Instead of looking at my situation as unique and beautiful as I had first thought it was (and it really is!), I demeaned it instead. I hated the fact that I was away from my family. I hated the fact that I was in the middle of change that made me so fearful. I hated the fact that I couldn’t courageously bring myself to just be glad in the fact that I was alive and well and living at one of the most exciting moments in my life. It was sad to say the very least. I stopped praying. I stopped hanging out with people who shared the faith I once strongly held on to. I refused to go to any Christian gatherings or even go near them. I just stopped… you know, it was as though He and I never existed. That was when the loneliness kicked in double blow.
                  Before that, it was like waking up and realizing I was far away, but it was okay, I’m still going to push myself – everything will be alright. Then it became: “WOW, I AM THE ONLY ONE IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD” and this clenching heart wrenching fear would grip me and I would shed a few tears before getting out of bed in the morning. And mind you, yes, I had friends. I laughed and played all day long, studied with a smile on my face, but inside I was dying the whole time. I just wanted to not feel alone, but I couldn’t feel that way… not on my own.
                  Reflecting on that this weekend, while I was away just made me realize that the moments when I feel alone over the past year have been when I have deliberately gone out of my way to cut myself from Him. And even when I do, He is still there, patiently waiting and watching for me to just slow down and talk to him. To let Him move, to let Him take control, to let Him fill me. And to be honest, I haven’t done a lot of that consistently lately – to just sit still and let Him continually permeate through me the whole day. I constantly find myself drifting away in thoughts and action and words, letting fear sip through, letting anger find room, letting my constant-need-to-be-in-control peep its ugly head through. And it scares me… the good thing about this scare is that it makes me talk to Him more. To tell Him more precisely, I’m laying this and this down before you again, take control. And more than that, the constant change to His perspective that I need to always occur is what I crave. Going from fearful-always-angry-boxed-up-girl to not-so-fearful-less-angry-redeemed-girl is a very long journey after all, just a taste of ever-continual transformation. And I want more transformations…  I hope more come J
                  And yes, so I have been tagged in the stylish and versatile blogger awards thingy – special thanks to Nutty J., Jhazmyn and Jaycee :D (rule 1 check).  Okay, so 7 random things about me… here goes (I hope you can view me the same way when you are done lol):
a.      I have to crack my hand knuckles everyday and clean my ears… yes, I know it’s a bad habit and I’ll pay for it one day but it just makes me glad… its like I’ve satisfied a quota of my day’s life duties when I do that. I know.
b.      I can’t eat chocolate chip cookies. I can eat chocolates separately (I love them in fact) but there is just something weird about chocolate chip cookies that I can’t wrap my head around (shudder).
c.      I only know how to move on land… meaning I can’t swim, skate of any kind, or ride a bicycle… Yes, I have employed full use of my “leggediz-benz” in my day. 
d.      I have fallen into the habit of taking weeks and now months to read a book. I would like to say I’m slowly ruminating through it, but the sad fact is, I’ve let television and school take precedence (I mean school is important). I get through the book, but not as fast as I would love to.
e.      I love making and eating food combinations (hold your tummy for this one) – ketchup on rice or spaghetti (this is in addition to the tomato sauce), boiled rice and milk (nido milk and sugar as well = yummm yummm), peanuts and tea, bread and bananas etc and the list just goes on and on. And nothing makes me happier in those moments in time as I devour these, let’s call them my comfort food.
f.       Both my siblings who are younger than me by the way are way taller than I am. My parents still think it’s the most hilarious thing ever.
g.      I’ve lived a whole week off on beans… yeah, it was this past summer when I went on a meat fast… I didn’t realize till the end of the week that all I had consumed was beans. It was good though, so I couldn’t complain, my co-workers thought it was funny in a comical way of course.
So that part is done (check).
                  15 other bloggers that this goes to (this would be the perfect time to be lazy and say people should tag themselves hehe but I’ll be a good sport) (Check):
1.      Blessing
3.      Miss Fab
4.      Kennisblegad
5.      LDP
6.    Allison
7.      MaidofHeart
8.      Chachawabara699
9.      NakedSha
10.   Hannah
13.   G.R.I.P
14.   Blogoratti
15.   Zoe
And, you’ll soon be notified of your awards :D


  1. Hi dear.

    Thanks a bunch for the award.

    I'm inviting you to a women's character study blog:

    If you'd like to contribute once in a while pls email me at


  2. You clean your ears everyday, and you eat crazy food combinations? WEIRDO!!!! Hahaha.

    ps: About the slow book reading thing, it's me and you both dearie.
    pss: Enjoyed reading this, and I know God is taking you to places you couldn't even have imagined.