For When I Screw Up Part 1

long post alert... 

           I got a gift recently, wrapped with an exquisite ribbon and handed out freely. I was apprehensive as first… and then thoroughly delighted. I cherished and held my gift, and ran with it, and built high enough castles that Nero would have been ashamed to burn down. It was a good thing – no, it was a beautiful thing, a beautiful phase. Then there is the thing about gifts… never mistake the giver isn’t watching.

            My gift served as a reflection, an uncovering if you will, of layers I never knew existed… shells I so dearly relegated as false, and not me. I strive and swoon on wanting perfection. I have that head knowledge that I’m broken and messed up, and yet, I maintain in my heart that I’m perfect. Its not a pretty sight when your reflection shows you are not perfect. Infact, far from it. I discovered that I have a deep-rooted irking that I think I’m superwoman. But of course, you realize you are not a super hero when you break down and break your gifts, and break those around you. And so over these fateful months, I learnt that I’m not perfect – the hard way.

            Knowing I’m imperfect is one thing. Accepting that is another thing. My ideal of perfection has no room for grace, no room for forgiveness… no room for screw-ups. And I screwed up – big time. You can imagine a perfectionist trying to forgive herself – not possible. As my friend D put it to me that fateful day: “So you are both your god and devil ehhh?”

            So here I am in self-destruct mode, blaming and casting blames and gnawing away, refusing to accept that I am imperfect. I believe the Son, and yet carry around an ideology of perfection… its like saying the death and resurrection was futile. Its like saying my works can save me… its like saying He is a liar and I don’t need Him. Well, that is not like saying – I actually did that.  

            And then the hard lesson followed – I can’t save myself. If I am perfect for real, I should be able to. And when we think we are perfect, we don’t see that we hurt others, and we don’t see our faults. And we don’t see that when He forgives us, we ought to extend that forgiveness to ourselves. If Perfection Himself forgave me, if He is more gracious than I can ever be and looked at this messed up, broken up girl and still loved and forgave and still cries with her when she cries and holds her when she is frustrated… if He can do that to me… why can’t I easily let go of my screw ups and let Him Heal and Resurrect this dead person I am?

            And when the giver retracts His gift after the planned timing, as a “perfect” person, I carry around the blame that it is entirely my fault. I forget that gifts are for seasons as well. And whichever season He calls me into, whichever He brings my way – because I decided to follow Him I must accept. LOL – this doesn’t mean I follow immediately… I love debating with Him, and fighting Him, and ignoring Him and going my way… not until He forces a shark to swallow me as I try to run away. Then I sit and reason and try to see from His perspective. It is hard… accepting His Will… especially when you think otherwise would be better… it is hard believing He is still good and carries beautiful endings for you especially when you feel like crap inside but then in the words of Elisabeth Elliot in her book The Path of Loneliness,

"My joy is becoming less dependent upon my own immediate circumstances and more attached to what He is doing. As limited as my understanding is now, I know that He is a God who never loses, a God who has taken the ultimate humiliation and defeat and turned it inside out. Somehow, my ruined plans fit into His larger plans. And so in the moments when I am forced to face my own loneliness, I find that I am not really alone at all!"

And even in my screw-ups, He is still gracious enough to carry me, and

provide more than I could ever imagine… And so even though grudgingly at first, I’m submitting and yielding slowly to let me see from His perspective… to let Him be my sole fortress and filling and strength and my first and last…

            And yes, I lost my gift. It saddens me… it will take a while to let go and let God… I’m learning. And yet, I’m so grateful. I grew and expanded in ways I never thought possible. I would have never learnt of new ways that I must allow Him to work on me without this gift. And so, as I carry on, in the words of Job I say: “The Lord gives, and the Lord takes. Blessed be the Name of the Lord.”

           

In other news – 15 days to graduation…. WWWWHHHHHHOOOOOHHHHOOOOO!!!!