Today

Today was one of those days,

hair gone wrong,

Wrong shoes,

Slipped and fell,

Brusied so bad…

Today was one of those days,

Didn’t go to the bathroom stall this time,

Came back to my room,

And hid under my table,

Held myself and let the tears flow...

Today was one of those days,

Got of the phone,

With the person I call by one of your

synonymns,

He laughed and said what you would say,

“Don’t worry, it’ll work out…”

Just like that…

Today was one of those days,

As the tears flowed,

And I refused to wipe them,

I remembered the last time

I felt scared and alone,

And how you out a smile

On my face…

Today was one of those days…

Where I have the power to

Refuse to let it turn into one of those days…

And do I trust,

And look up to you,

Remembering one of those days

When you showed me that

You are the one who conquered

Not only death,

But this life of flesh as well…

Today was one of those days…

http://fc00.deviantart.net/fs11/i/2006/177/8/e/Girl_Crying_by_l0veIsFr3.jpg

Deep, Deeper... Deepest.

The past couple of days have left me struck at the level of intimate conversations i have been having with people... ranging from talks about boy-girl relationships, to organized religion - christianity to friendships and change. I used to be one who would avoid deep conversations because I just didn't want to go any deeper with anyone... well guess what? I had to find out the *hard way* (I am always finding out stuff this way) that intimacy comes through quality conversations as well... and falling deeper is necessary to establish a relationship.

   A friend of mine has been going through a storm, and i have realized that a lot of times its easy when on the opposite end of the fence to cheer someone on, meanwhile, its harder for that person to get you. They might be hearing but not listening. It seemed to be the case with her... and I totally understood where she was standing. I had to force myself to listen because I tend to just talk over what people try to say and enforce the positive they need to hear. I slowly came to appreciate that its going to take her awhile to listen and believe what she listens in order for her to come out of her storm. Needless to say, I was fine with listening and telling her it was okay to take it a day at a time. I love the fact that in her storm, she has still come far from her starting point. From her vantage point, it is hard for her to see the destination because its seems like a mirage, yet myself and others keep cheering her on because we believe that what she has been hearing will begin to sink in, and just hopefully, she will believe it herself! That is one realization i wouldn't have traded anything in the world for... from that moment on, I knew I had fallen deeper in with her.

   Another friend of mine who is taking a statistics class with me this semester is an atheist. I knew this, and yet, a few weeks back, I invited her to an event hosted by my fellowship. I didn't tell her it was a Christian event, so immediately she saw the brochures for the fellowship handed out at the entrance to the venue, she grabbed my hand, returned the brochure and was like:"You didn't tell me it was a Christian event... sorry I can't stay..." And just like that, she left. I felt so lost, because I really did believe she would stay. I also was scared because I was like:"Great! She is never gonna talk to me now." The next time we had class, I asked her about it and she explained how fundamentalist christians are stuck up and close-minded. I wasn't taken aback... strangely enough all I wanted to do was listen, and so I did. She ended by saying that all she wanted to do was have someone sit with her, listen to her view and explain to her. I replied that if she ever needed to talk, I would gladly listen. Little did i know that I would be presented with that opportunity soon. So this past thursday, we had this conversation, and she wanted to know why anyone would bother to become christian when the religion hasn't done a whole lot of good to the world. And i was giving her the analogy of how one would want their kids to be educated because they themselves have been educated - translating that because christians have tasted the goodness and saving grace of God, we would want others to know this good thing. She said that no, christians were close-minded and didn't understand that people were fine the way they were... I became stuck because I didn't have more to say... I listened and replied, and yet she had a reason for every reason I gave... She wanted me to sit with her and 7 other friends of hers and continue the conversation, but I just said we'd continue it at a later time... I backed down out of fear, how would i handle 8 people at a time if they were all nonchalant towards God? All I could do was pray that God would reveal himself to her. Afterwards, I was scared... and yet am glad I allowed myself to have that conversation with her... It was the first time since I had known her over the past 4 years (and I have known her since my freshman year) that I felt close to her. Yes, it was a controversial conversation, and yet that element of deepness that I felt made me feel that I can continue talking about this with her to see where it goes....

   And another friend of mine, one of my roommates, and I were talking about friendships. She brought up how it was easy to tell someone your whole life story and yet, never feel close to them or establish that connection. I totally agreed with her. There are a number of times since last week when just re-evaluating friendships I have had with people where we've known loads about each other, and where I moved on to consider them as close friends and they didn't on their end. And, there have been vice-versa situations. I realized that after all, I just had it in my head, thinking something was when it wasn't... Which brings me to my last friend, we had a conversation about change. It kind of ties into my prior conversation about friendships. We talked about how people change, and turns out change is the only permanent thing in life... I felt closer to both of them after those conversations. It may have a little moment, but a lot of change happened during it.

    Its funny because through all these conversations, I realized just how easy it could be to block yourself and refuse to fall any deeper. And yet, if you never fall deeper, how are you ever going to find out the beautiful sunshine that the intimate impact of knowing that person could have on your life? 

P.S, God has been so faithful as ever. He put a beautiful smile on my face on thursday, and this one is lasting for a whilleeeeee.... indeed He is never late, even when we think it is the eleventh hour, it is perfectly on time!!!


SOOOOO what areas have you seen yourself refusing to fall deeper and how did you scale or not scale that?

http://www.myvisiontest.com/img/upload/falling_man.jpg

Dreams and Dreaming Dreams Part 2

    I thought that aspiring to be a neurosurgeon would be my last dream. I knew it would mean several years of school, but I was so bent on wanting that to be accomplished. Funny enough, in the midst of daydreaming of being a surgeon, i developed a hobby. It started with letters I would write to my pen-pal. She would include excerpts of stories she wrote for me. I thought it was so cute she wrote me stories. I was inspired, I wanted to return the good deed - so I wrote her stories as well. However, I developed a problem - I just couldn't fit in a small enough story for her. So, i made it into a 'book' if you will and sent it to her. She loved it, or at least she said so. I felt so encouraged, I kept writing and writing... different stories. That was when a different dream popped up. I wanted to be a ghost writer while still being a surgeon. I imagined a world where I would be a surgeon during the day and a world bestseller at night. I would travel the world for different book signings and tours under a pseudonym with no one knowing I was this world re-owned neurosurgeon (LOL... meehhhhn dreams are funny!). However, my Dad became bothered with the writing I was continuously engaged in. He said he liked it, but he felt it was working its way into my school work - he'd prefer me to do itover the holidays. I was fine with that. I stepped up the dream even further, I wanted to publish my first novel by the age of 20. This dream stayed the longest, though growing with a couple of modifications.
    I spent my summer of freshman year working in a research lab. I was so enthralled with the idea of being in the background to find cures to the diseases I wanted people to be rid of. I extended my vision of being a neurosurgeon to being a neuroscientist. I now wanted to be both. I had big plans to open a hospital and treat people with neurological ailments...

    And as for my writing dream, I was looking back on my life on my 20th birthday thinking about how I hadn't published yet compared to Miley Cyrus who is 16 or 17 and is singing her life away (lol). Anyways, I decided to pursue a writing minor before I graduate to get that dream on a roll... who knows, I may still publish as a ghost writer some day...

Funny thing is that i am so close to accomplishing a part of my neuroscience dream. I just need to get prepped up to study for the GREs and apply to Ph.D programs... this is something I have been dreaming and planning about since my freshman year... so why do I feel like I am at a standstill, or too unmotivated to edge forward when it is totally within my grasp?
And yet, I am not relenting or stepping back. I am going to keep trying, pushing myself harder, even on days when all I want to do is curl up in my bed and keep dreaming, am going to keep taking steps to turn my reality into my dream, by God's Grace... besides, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me" Phil 4:13

P.S, Spring Break was RELAXING!!!

So, what are your current dreams, and what steps are you taking to achieve them?

http://www.eso-garden.com/images/uploads_bilder/dream_a_z.jpg

Dreams and Dreaming Dreams

People have different connotations to dreams. Some think there is a meaning behind every dream, like a foreboding of things to come, while others think it is simple a mental and visual reflection of things done during the day. And then there are others who just don't dream, and so don't know what to make of it. I dream a LOT! And am not talking of your everyday I-am-on-the-Bahamas-relaxing-in-a-castle-dream, am talking of the ones where you dream of your friend who has been away for months, and first thing tomorrow morning he/she is at your doorstep. It used to creep me out. It got so bad, I wouldn't want to dream of friends or family. I mean what if I dream of something bad happening to my family and I was miles away with no way of knowing their welfare? My Mother (God bless that Lady!) soothed my fears about this. She taught me to pray about every dream I had, be it good or bad... Its better being at ease knowing someone else who is greater than you has those issues in His hands.

However, there is another kind of dream, the one EVERYONE has. You may be a pauper, a bourgeoisie, an educated person, an illiterate etc... we all have that thing we think of day and night, it even materializes itself in our 'dreams' at night. For some it may be stronger than others, for some it may be worth little - it all comes down to it being universal. 

I used to dream of being an Airwoman Doctor. I went to an Airforce primary school, so you could imagine, all my thoughts and attentions went to flying jet planes s. I would watch the series M.A.S.H and the movie purple heart over and over again because it had military associations. I would imagine myself flying over dessert enemy war lines, flying down to the fallen war soldiers and treating them to the best of my ability. As could be expected, I wanted to go the Airforce girls secondary school. However, I missed the exam date. I remember spending the whole afternoon in the guest bathroom, crying my eyes out. My mum didn't know what to do, and owing to the fact that my dad wasn't around to talk me out of it, she had to get my uncle to talk to me. He was like: "You know there will be other schools right?" I don't know why I never seemed to accept the comfort of my mum :( That cheered me up, but with the uplifting of my spirits, went the dissolution of my dreams. I can't help but giggle as I remember that dream now. Me ke... I can't even fight! I wouldn't have lasted a day in that school or in that lifestyle!

I moved on. I still had being a doctor in mind. I dreamt of being a OBGYN. My mum really liked this idea. She would insert bits here and there of how there weren't enough female OBGYNs in the world, and how this would be a great service to humanity especially the woman kind. I liked the idea. I wanted to be of help to woman kind of course! So i imagined being an OBGYN. All i knew was that I could treat female parts and pregnant women. Then I watch a movie, can't remember which, but this woman was giving birth, and I thought of how much she screamed and how if i was such a doctor, all I would do is treat those parts all day long... I mean it shouldn't have been a problem, am a woman too... but nah! I couldn't wrap my head around it, and so died that dream! My mum wasn't too thrilled.

I moved on still. I wanted to be a pediatrician - that was so short lived. I couldn't stand children... probably because of the trauma my younger ones have caused me. My tolerance for children then used to be 0. That was when i knew i wouldn't be enthralled in that profession. I wouldn't know how my tolerance for children is now because I haven't been around any in a while (*closing eyes in fervent prayer* O God I pray i start loving children before its time for me to have them - I figure I still have plenty of time left!). 

Then came the turning point in my life. Its going to sound cliche, but Dr. Ben Carson's 'Gifted Hands' turned my life around. I wanted to be a Neurosurgeon. It made me dream bigger than I had ever hoped for. And I didn't see any obstacle that could be in my way of course. All I did was see myself at a destination point. All i did was envision myself being there. And so I worked on it. I hoped and prayed and wanted to get world class education that would lead me to where I needed to be...

Dreaming those dreams helped me imagine that nothing could hinder me from getting to where I need to be. And yet, there is nothing as life crushing and de-moralizing as those dreams not materializing... You have those dreams lined up, and each dream has numerous options. You might not get your first option, maybe you'd get the second or even the last option, but the point is that you still get your dream, just not the choice you wanted... It may be painful, but years later, you may find out that that choice you were left with to take was the best thing that ever happened to you! You still achieved your dream right, maybe not through the route you wanted, but think of it - that was the best thing for you! Any other route, and maybe you wouldn't have achieved your dream at all!

SO what dreams have you had that has changed over the years?

http://www.eso-garden.com/images/uploads_bilder/dream_a_z.jpg

DON'T COME TOO CLOSE!!!

I used to hate getting a lift home when i was in secondary school even though half of my mates lived 5 minutes from my house. On the days my parents would be out of town or busy to come pick me up, they would ask me to come back with one of the neighbors. It shouldn't have been a big deal, we all lived within walking distance from each other... just a 10 minute ride... and yet I hated it. In fact it was so bad I would rather take an achaba or okada rather than get a lift home with the person that lived right opposite my house. And that I did, several times. My dad would be so mad at me. I would spend the whole day with him explaining to me the whole "No man is an Island" proverb. That habit followed me right into my school work, my relationships and my mentality - I hate asking for help. Growing up as a first child, i had always been the one asked to lead the way: chores around the house, making sure my siblings are walking to my right on the roadside, getting the good grades so that my siblings would do the same. I enjoyed it! I loved being the one looked up to, the strong one, the one never failing. My parents would fondly call me 'Baba', it supposed to refer to the man in the house, and yet they called me that. My heart always swelled with joy at that reference. However, that became my handicap. Because I got so used to being the strong one, i never knew how to be the one who depends on others, i never learnt how to ask for help... and that led to me never learning to let people come close. I learnt the HARD way. *Sigh* and i thought i could get through college braving through all storms in my geared up robot suit! I remember my first computer science class at college. I had never programmed before in my life, so when programming projects were assigned to us, i would hustle in advance, reading the material over and over to know what to code. I absolutely refused to get help, even though there was a free tutorial center for that specific purpose. There was this specific project that i spent hours and hours on, not knowing what i did wrong. The day before it was due, i called my dad complaining about my problem. He was like: "I have always told you times without number, get help. You cannot know it all. Go to your professor. Talk to your classmates. No man is an Island." I was mad of course. So fuming, i made my way to the tutorial center. It only took a minute. It was a syntax error. I missed a semi-colon. I felt so stupid afterwards, because I spent hours thinking of where i went wrong, when i could have easily gotten help sooner.

Yet, i didn't learn from that. Because I am just so bent on me being strong, I made it very *hard* for people to truly get to know me. I would sit, and gist and let them let me in, but i would not do likewise. I thought I could always get away with not letting people in. Its like I had this bubble around me, refusing people to come too close. For the longest time, I couldn't wrap my head around why people would call me to hang out, or trying to know where I was and what I was up to. Honestly, it used to upset me, just a tad bit. I wanted to be on my own, not letting others come too close. I had to learn the hard way that human nature is built for relationships, for community. I blatantly wanted to refuse community, wanted to refuse that "lean on me" adage when in fact that is the only way that one is meant to exist. I don't know, maybe it had to do with me refusing to let God truly take control. Maybe it had to do with refusing to trust Him completely, me blindly going on through life thinking that all the answers to my prayers would be a lightening bolt from heaven. My Mother says "This person devil doesn't necessarily refer to Lucifer himself, it is also our fellow man." I also agree with the inverse as well, an angel, or answer to my prayers can be my fellow man as well. I have come to realize the *hard way* that God can use people around me, my community to be an answered prayer. My stubborn insistence on my own independence is definitely another form of pride that I have slowly come to learn to see and allow God to change. Its hard oooo, I love being superwoman and yet, I hate being the saved one. I am slowly letting God use other people to be my superheroes, knowing that I can't always pick myself up when I fall. I can't always not let others come too close...

SO the next time you feel like closing up, and I know we all tend to do that, just let that person in. You never know, he/she might be the channel of help God is sending into your life.

On a side note, YAY SPRING BREAK!!!

Image taken from: http://i395.photobucket.com/albums/pp35/bohohideaway/helping_hands.gif

Societal Expectations

If you know the comical animation 'Family Guy', then you'd probably know the spin-off 'The Cleveland Show'. I was watching an episode where teenagers during a church service were urged to make a purity pledge. The only reason Cleveland went was to make his daughter pledge herself till marriage. A couple of girls stood up, and in expectation, he turned to ask his daughter if she would do likewise. The unexpected happened. His son stood up instead. You can imagine the laughter that roared through the church. Everyone began to make fun of Cleveland and his son. He retorted to one of his coworkers whose idea it was to bring his daughter to church for the purity pledge. His friend's response was: "Did you think Jesus died so that the males wouldn't be able to do it? No, he wanted the females to remain pure."
Of course, it was meant to be a comic relief because the whole point of this kind of humor is to mirror society as it thinks today. And it got me thinking about the roles that society has made men and women play today. We have come a very long way from Eve being deceived by the serpent and Adman being tricked by Eve so much so that it is hard to find our way back to how society was originally intended to be. With the issue of purity now, ofcourse society frowns upon abstinate men and encourages the women to be so. However, was it meant to be that way? And it doesn't only stop there. Even though this has changed more recently, women were not expected to go far in education. A man is not expected to be a stay at home dad. A woman should be slim and fit but its okay if a guy is flabby, although there is still the 6-pack expectation for the guy. This mentality seeps into even friendships where we don't even believe men and women can just be pure good old fashioned friends without raging hormones. Society would down play that one person falls for the other or that they would get to that point and move past it. However, how was it meant to be in the beginning? How did God initially design society to be without its own fallen expectations? How do we in this world of sin fight to journey back to Eden where everything should be as it was intended to be? I know its impossible without God, and that while we are still in this world, we can never be totally free of succumbing to the thinking of this world, and yet its very hard to break free from the expectations that society places on us based on what category we find ourselves in, be it male, female, black, white, asian etc.
What do you think?