“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn’t serve the world. There’s nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us, it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
-- Marianne Williamson, 'Return to Love'
I think everyone who has had a wobbly awkward teenage life can agree with me that at some point or the other, we all struggled with self-image and esteem issues. Okay, so maybe you were never that painfully shy teenager like me, however I know you can identify with one point or the other in your life where you have felt inadequate... unnecessary... and maybe not even worth it. I know I have. It is still something that I grapple with.
For me, one of the challenges I’ve had to deal with is the resurfacing of that mean carnal voice that tells me I am not worth it... not a penny or a second of anyone’s time. And it’s especially worse when you think that voice was long dead and gone, only to meet her at the intersection of the resurrection of old self and the continuance of new self.
And it wasn’t that occasional sneering jeer that creeps up at you when you close your eyes to sleep at night, or appears to you in an irrelevant dream or sneaks up when you see something you covet... no. This was the bold gallant kind that would weave in and out of your thoughts when you commute to work... when you laugh with a friend... when you watch a movie.
The annoying and shrill bemoaning lament on what you don’t have... on what you lost... on what you could have. The measuring yardstick at the back of your mind that you tier yourself up against based on people’s reactions to you. The silent sighs of dissatisfaction that you heave off your brows when a picturesque scene of your wildest dreams flickers in front of you.
All these and more that I use to condemn myself on some invisible scale that I created at the back of my head. And worse is when I am weak and I can only let that voice rattle on and on about her self-inflicted opinions of self...
Then there are those times, as should be more and more often in all cases when the her that I am being transformed into speaks up... for herself, for who she is being made into. Whose she is takes over and reminds her of her worth.
For every single lie that tells her she is not worth it... she is reminded that The Word which created even the most distant galaxies took upon flesh to shed His blood for her. She is worth His blood... I am worth His blood.
For every single lie that tells her she is guilty and filthy... she is reminded that yes, it is so and despite that, He has made her whole... She no longer stands condemned because of Christ. I no longer stand condemned because of Christ.
For every single lie that tells her she is not good enough and will never be... she is reminded that she is good enough for Him, just the way she is... and He is good enough for Her... just enough and overflowing with abundance all for her. He is more than enough for me.
For every single lie that tells her she is alone. She is reminded that she is surrounded by a cloud of witnesses cheering her on to the finish line... and more than that She is held in the arms of the suave and yet Almighty Father that is comforting her from all of life’s arrows. I am not alone in His arms.
For every single lie that tells her she is worse off than when she started in Him... she is reminded that it is a journey... in Him... and a fight of spirit against flesh... and a fight where she is to remain in Him and Him in her. I am continually being sanctified.
And so here I am amongst my battles of a resurfacing self-deprecating voice that tries to sit the victorious me that wants ever so more to break her shell and do more. I’m here, dipping in and out ever so often... and out there I know there are many others like me struggling with letting go of that voice that tells you that you are not enough. I just want you to be reminded that you are enough, more that enough: loved and cherished in the arms of a Master Craftsman that is carrying you on His back despite what you may think, despite what that droning voice says.
So fight it... that voice. With everything you have, fight it. That self that wants you to remain as you are, putting and beating yourself down to no avail - fight it. Break out, speak life to yourself instead. Speak positivity instead. Speak love instead.
You are not little. You are not unimportant. You are this beautifully and wonderfully crafted person that is on a journey to making sense of all this clutter by His Grace. All the hairs on your head have been numbered, your path has been carved out from the beginning of time, with Him tirelessly working in the background to keep you and allow you to live your life to the fullest.
And above all, allow Him to let you see yourself through His eyes: precious, loved and forgiven.
