Self-Esteem Series 2: You, yes You - You are good.

My dear friends - D, M, A and I will be sharing our wonderful stories through the next couple of weeks of moments in times when we were pretty low and how He came through to remind us of truths that are solid irrespective of how we feel. I hope you read and enjoy and come back each week through the month of March to share in our testimonies.      


You can catch the first installment of the series here


Please sit back and enjoy the second installment of the series from my dear friend D.   
                     
          
                                                 My Ash Wednesday, 2012

             Today, my day began with the best intentions in the world.
             I was joyful and happy to be alive. I made my to do list in my head which included fasting through the day with a 30 min prayer before I head out, catch my bus, be a bomb at work and then get to church at seven. Oh and let's not forget, read "Grace for the good girl" during intermissions of the day (awesome book y'all should read it).
             Anyways, first of all, I was late for my 30 min prayer and had to bold out of the door to catch my bus. No biggie right, i'll just pray on the bus, which I did. Work: the experiment starts fine (I am a researcher by the way) and my fasting could not go any better. First experiment - raging success, I pat myself on the back, high five the Holy Spirit and continue to the next one. I'm on fire. Then, my supervisor confirms that my previous experiment, similar to the one I am in the process of up was a raging success: "We got AWESOME data, Keep the good work going" She says... My self esteem is up a 1000X. God loves me and the birds and the bees all chirp and buzz in my favor!
            Ten minutes before the end of the experiment, the machine froze. This machine never freezes!!! It is almost 6:30p.m., the bus will leave and I will miss church. What is even more heartbreaking is that my experiment might be compromised. 10 minutes later and with a defeated attitude, I exit work. "Let me get a honey bun to break my fast" I thought to myself (I have been craving a honey bun all day). The vending machine did have a honey bun. But it was behind an apple dutch whatever and in order to get I would have to pay twice. I only had a dollar. I settled for some fruit snack instead (me not remembering the name tells you how annoyed I was). Everything had gone wrong. My plans thwarted.
            While walking to my bus stop it occurs to me that God is still God and I am still his servant. How does my day relate to self esteem? 
Well, I started the day full of myself but in the end I was emptied of me. And did I tell you I had to go through the day with a gaping hole on my shirt?!?!
I had the expectation of my supervisor, of the world around me and most of all, my self-imposed expectations to satisfy. But when did I ever consider the expectations of God which are to lay my burdens, these expectations of the world, at His cross and to rest? Our self esteem is shaped as Newton's third law, every force has an equal and opposite reaction. The world tells us we are not good enough,  but God tell us "I died for you". The world says you have a gaping hole in your shirt, God says "I have made you in my image and I said you are good." The world said you couldn't even meet your own expectation, God says "Stop expecting and start living in me."
             In God our needs are met, so why do we keep on expecting what we already have? We are beautiful because we were made in His image. If you say that you are ugly then you are insulting your God (oh noo u didn't). God loves you and knows your very core - the one you hide from the world. He still found you so worthy of His love that He made an entire earth for you to dwell, mates for you to chose, animals and plants to feed you, and as if that was not enough, He gave you eternal redemption with no fear of death. So when every honey bun is hidden by an apple treat that you didn't intend on having, and you are broken in your hunger with a gaping hole in your shirt and a so so experiment, dear friend - laugh and enjoy for the One in control has pushed you off the driver's seat and showed you that you do not drive that car, but you are a passenger - a beloved and well taken care off passenger.


Be blessed,
D.

Self-Esteem Series 1: In the Beginning...

Warning: Long Post Alert!

Hello Lovely Readers,

            Let’s just skip the part where I neglected this blog for almost a month and get back to being friends? Please? You forgive me now? Okay - thanks. Let’s hug on it now :D

Over the past couple of months, I’ve had some pretty intense internal struggles that God is still molding me through... the biggest has been self-esteem. I’ve wanted to write about it for a while because this is something that I know I’ve always grappled with. Maybe this is something you have dealt with or are dealing with and you’ll like to share your experiences with us here? Maybe you’ve never struggled with it and maybe you want to share your frame of strengthened mind with us? I’m not writing this as someone who has overcome, because I know as long as I’m on this side of heaven, I’ll have to keep fighting thorns in my side that continually reminds me that HIS Grace is sufficient for me (1 Cor 12:9)... and that I am more than a conqueror!!! (Imagine that? Not just a conqueror, but MORE than a conqueror. Does anyone have a noun that describes someone who is more than a conqueror? I know I don’t know one...)

            My dear friends - D, M, A and I will be sharing our wonderful stories through the next couple of weeks of moments in times when we were pretty low and how He came through to remind us of truths that are solid irrespective of how we feel. I hope you read and enjoy and come back each week through the month of March to share in our testimonies.

Remain Blessed,

Mwajim Al.

                                                In the Beginning by Mwajim Al.

Over the past couple of days, I’ve been trying to pinpoint the very first moment I began to think less of myself... I can remember being scared of the neighbors’ dog when I was three... I can remember the first time I climbed out of my bedroom window to play with the neighbors’ kids when I was four because I didn’t have siblings to play with... I remember my cousins making fun of me because of the way I spoke when we first returned to Nigeria... I have distinct memories that stand out from childhood... but I can’t remember the first pin of low self-esteem. Maybe that is a good thing, not to remember a single moment when such a seed was planted. However, that bothers me more... it makes me think that it was a gradual build-up from friends, family members, television shows... of how I view myself. Not to say that people always said or did things to bring me down on purpose... but personal perspective and my reaction to things were not always with the lightest of feelings...

            What I do remember is the first time my mum reacted to my view of self .This was probably in my early teen years. I can’t recall what it was I said... most probably me comparing myself to someone and thinking I was less because I didn’t have what I coveted. I remember her being so upset and saying out loud that she wondered where I got that perspective of self from. It was then that she became more rigorous with her trademark saying to us as kids. I used to think it was really annoying whenever I would complain about something and she would say: “You are different...” and then she would repeat it and wait for us to complete the sentence... “ You are what?” and I would grudgingly reply “... different.” I hated that. Being different meant I had to accept that I could not have Simbi’s nose, or Aisha’s hair or Patience’s skin tone. Being different meant that I would probably get a different college education from my home mates, move out of home at seventeen or not get to see my family as much as I would love to. It took me a while to accept my differences as unique... as beautiful... and as mine.

            Perception of self goes a long way in allowing what makes you and what breaks you... and sadly to say, some “friends” are not in employed in the building up process. Sadly, that took me a while to realize... and even longer to realize that the people you surround yourself also reflects on your thoughts, and who you are... well, except if you are either a very-strong-willed person or live in a bubble :D I was neither of those growing up. So on the one hand, you have heavy societal influence shaping and affecting my perception of self which outweighed all the good and the strong efforts my parents vested in me. The funny thing about that was how strong I looked on the outside, while on the inside I was squirming and running and hiding and hoping no one would notice me because then they would realize that the truth I thought about myself... that I’m not good enough...

            Then college came. My emancipation as I like to call it at times... My friend D always reminds me that I once told her I was a flower blooming slowly! I don’t know how it happened but somehow I began to work hard to accept myself... it was either I accept myself or die trying... My small stature, my dark skin, my flyaway hair, myself... all mine... nobody else’s... all mine. And for the longest time, I thought that was what I needed - fortifying myself to be strong for me. After all if I wasn’t strong for me, then who would be? Who would hold me if I decided to be in shambles and all broken up? 

            One the one hand, I had all this self-buffering up to do just so I would not let anyone’s words bring me down, or any situation put daggers into my heart... on the other hand, because I grew up hearing Bible stories and striving to believe in Jesus “so I wouldn’t go to hell”, I was trying to see if God said anything about me loving me... me accepting me. I always remembered Luke 10:27 (NIV):

“He answered: ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all of your soul, all your strength and with all your mind’. And ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’”

Somehow, the ‘Love your neighbor’ part always clicked... I HAVE to love people; I HAVE to put them first... I HAVE to please them... even if it means I get pushed down, even if it means they take it for granted... I mean after all, I will get my reward in heaven... RIGHT? Somehow, the ‘... as yourself’... never resonated, never clicked.

            A lot happened before I came to the above realizations... and the truths that have always been but I’d never accepted till recently. I will expound more on those truths and how I came to them in the final installment of this series.

            Happy Reading!!!

"Me nene laiyafin zaman lafiya?" (What is the crime in living in peace?) Part 1

          I've been resisting the urge to write a post about #occupyNigeria or the bomb blasts in the North of Nigeria for partly two main reasons:
         I didn't want to write a post ranting about the need for change in Nigeria when I've seen the need for change since I was four. I lived in Kano, Nigeria from ages 4 to 17, and I've known that corruption and violence eats at the very core of our daily living. I didn't want to write a post in anger knowing that there is possibly nothing that I can do about it. Do I want change in Nigeria? Yes, I do. Do I want peace? Yes, I do. The question is how do we enact that change? I am not talking about about another inflated political campaign to pull in the reins of corruption or another NGO in the name of saving motherless babies or another strike that backs down in the face of government threats or underhand deals. I am talking about change that begins at the very core of who we are as Nigerians... In our homes, in our schools, and in our interactions... How do we change the mindsets of people when we were raised to believe we are different? I'm a Bura girl from Garkida, Adamawa State. I'm also a christian. I remember growing up with an internal struggle of going with cues from society on choosing friends either from my religion or my place of origin. Soon I learnt to categorize people as being either from Arewa or Kudu (north or south), and based on being either Muslim or Christian. My question is how do we change that mindset? How do we change the very core of instruction that automates us to categorize people based on states of origin or religion. Nigeria is diverse, hugely diverse with over 160 million people and 700 different language groups: our strength and our very weakness. How do we get to a phase where I am not just Bura and Christian, you are not just Yourba, Igbo or Hausa or Nupe, or Jukun or Marghi or Kanuri or Tarok or Chip or Chibok and either Muslim or Christian but we are all just freaking Nigerians??? How do we enact such change?
        My second reason is that I'm mostly pessimistic and minutely optimistic about Nigeria. I believe that change is possible... I know that change is possible, but I also know that it is impossible for change to happen if the same cycle continues. You can enact as many revolutions as you want, you have have as long a strike as you want but the minute we ignore the fact that change needs to come from within, the same cycle of corruption and violence will continue. We need a revolution on how we think of ourselves and how we think of each other - as Nigerians! This is our country, and sadly even though I'm writing this from the States, I'm reminded of the grim reality of the fact that millions do not have another country. If we don't repair it, if we don't want the good of it for ourselves, the British or the Americans or the Arabs are not going to come and repair it for us. We have to be the change we want to see - we have to take matters into our own hands if Nigeria is going to be habitable. And no, I'm not speaking of violence - I'm speaking of a change of heart, a change of mindset.
        I've turned this post into a rant because I don't know how to do this. I don't know how we can go about enacting change in the way we view each other. I don't know how as a people we can return to the very grassroots for a change of societal view.
        I just got off the phone with my sister and the rest of my family in Kano after hearing about the 20 serial bombings that happened today and I reached a crack point. Between having flashes of fear that I would lose my family, and not knowing how they were doing, I felt a rush of anger and panic. I tried to pray, and I couldn't. And the thing was everyone I was with on the phone kept mentioning prayer... I mean I know what prayer is... I've been doing that for most of my life... fasting and praying and pleading with God for change. That is what all Christians in the north of Nigeria specialize in - praying for peace in the North. We probably all have a Ph.D in it now. In my anger, I asked Him feeling so betrayed again: "Where are you? and What are you doing? And why do you let innocent people keep dying? Why all this fear for all these years?" In moments like this, I stand like the disciples confused at the mission of Christ. While they thought He came to rescue them from Roman rule, I stand wondering that if He has said it is finished then why are we still here... still struggling? It is hard looking at the light of Christ in the midst of fear and panic... Despite all of this... despite the walls crumbling and fleeing and doubts and so much frustration the truth is where will we run to? And I also mean this practically for Christians in the north? Where will we flee to when that has been our home for years? And our living?
And despite all this still, I stand like Peter asking that to whom shall we turn to except God? The first verses of Psalm 23 provide comfort in these times, and I'm also reminded of Psalm 91 reminding me that the Lord is our guide, our guard, our shield, our refuge and our everything... So yes, I know we ought to be on our knees - praying as always, and yet, It is enough. Something has to change.

There is no crime in peace.

And with that, I now take my stand publicly. I am #occupyNigeria. Enough is enough!

Trust YOU

This is a brand new section to the blog and an experimental project. The goal of the section 'Broken to Healed' is to write and relate stories of brokeness from my life and the lives of guest bloggers that will be featured here. The point of showing our brokenness is to also show you our scars and the healing stripes that have resulted because of the grace and loving goodness of the God that we believe in. We believe that no matter how many times you've fallen, or how many shards you've been broken into, Jesus still saves and is willing to walk through your life day-by-day if you just let Him. I hope you enjoy - kick back, relax and watch out for this! 

If you are interested in writing a post for the 'Broken to Healed' section, contact me on twitter @mwajimal, or you could leave me a message through the contact form on this blogger site!

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Happy New Year to you too!!!

I'm superbly excited to introduce you to a close and dear friend of mine, that I've mentioned a few times on here - M. She has graciously written up a guest post that will be kicking of the Broken to Healed section of this blog that I've been unable to kick-off till now. The purpose of this section is part of the underlying reasons for this blog. For some Christians, we've somehow accepted this lie that our lives are supposed to be pictures of perfection. And yet, everywhere we look at in this world of ours screams imperfection, pain, ugliness and destruction. And it's even worse within us. We find ourselves reading that we are redeemed and new creatures. We read that Christ has brought us good news and that we do have good news to tell others. However, the truth is that many days out of the year I find myself on the opposite side of the fence. Reading the words and wondering how I'm different. I find myself struggling with repetitive sins that I theoretically know He has freed me from. I find myself justifying my cleanliness by a rules of Dos and Don'ts that I think make me righteous in front of Him... I find myself dissatisfied and struggling over and over again, and repelled by how far off I fall from my own image of perfection. I am broken. We all have pieces of us that are broken, pieces His light keeps uncovering, pieces that we continue to learn to bring before Him.

I hope to continue to bring more blogposts of this nature from me and guests, that speak of a specific aspect of our brokenness and hopefully we can start/continue to merge towards relationships of authenticity in this world, as redeemed by His blood.

Trust YOU

I wish I was writing this blogpost to share with you how I have been struggling with something and was able to tell you what the Lord did for me and how I overcame it. But I’m afraid this is not a victory post. However, if you are in a similar situation, I pray it comforts you to know others are struggling as well. I pray that it gives you hope and strengthens your steadfastness in seeking Christ.

If you are like me then, I’m sure you know what I mean when I tell you how hard it has been for me to trust God. Even as I say it now, I can’t believe myself. It’s all I tell people to do and part of me still argues that I do. “Have Faith” I would tell my friend, or my usual “This unfortunate circumstance doesn’t define you,” I would say to my roommate. These words are frequently coming out of my mouth. And in the same spirit, when I’m feeling worried about an exam or something coming up I say to my self, “Trust God M…. Just breath and trust God.” But at that moment if you had walked up to me and asked me if I truly, truly believed that all my sins are covered by the One Who Died for Me, I would have shamefully answered No and would have gone home, tired and broken down into tears.

Every so often, the Lord grants me a moment of brutal honesty and it feels like someone has shone a high beam light on my soul. Just recently I was so touched and convicted by a sermon I attended on topic of moralism and the meaning of Christmas that I ran as quick as my legs could take me to my room and hid in the darkness. Sat on the floor and cried my eyes out. I was wrong in a lot of ways – How can I have been so wrong for so long. I felt like someone slapped me really hard.

Yes I am ashamed to admit, I’m the Christian that sets moral standards for herself and others so high that I get disappointed when I don’t fulfill it or when others fall short of  my expectations. I’ve have created guidelines and rules around the law to save myself. Lord knows how long I’ve been like that, Lord knows how many times I have read the story about the Pharisees – thinking that it had nothing to do with me –yet, here I was doing the exact same thing.

Matthew 23 :1-4
Then Jesus said to the crowds and to his disciples, “The scribes and the Pharisees sit on Moses' seat, so do and observe whatever they tell you, but not the works they do. For they preach, but do not practice. They tie up heavy burdens, hard to bear, and lay them on people's shoulders, but they themselves are not willing to move them with their finger.

Yes, I am the Christian that values being right than glorifying God for His amazing mercy. Yes, I am the Christian that loves to say – I have not sinned much today Lord. Knowing very well that …

1st John 1:8-10
If we say we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness. If we say we have not sinned, we make him a liar, and his word is not in us.

Yes, I am the Christian that claimed that my sins are less than yours. I claimed to be more appealing to God than you are. All because I set my own standards and according to me- I’ve fulfilled most of them. Forgetting that…

James 2:20
For whoever keeps the whole law but fails in one point has become accountable for all of it.
And ….
Romans 3:23
For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God;

Yes I am the Christian that judged others without ever looking at myself thoroughly… even though I’ve known the following verse since I was 6.

Matthew 7:1-5
“Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother's eye.”

And to tell you the truth, even in that honest moment of weakness - I couldn’t sincerely ask for forgiveness. I trusted God to carry me through an exam that is worth 20% of my grade but I couldn’t trust Him to save my life knowing fully that is why He came to this earth. So I brushed my tears away and got up again, fighting to convince myself about the freedom I know I have been granted but still fail to completely surrender to.

Father God, I reek of sin, I exude hate, I stink of judgmental thoughts in my heart, I fear weakness, I fear honesty, I prefer to appear things I am not, I full of pride and afraid to admit when I have made a mistake, I crave humility but not for Your Glory but mine so that others can say I am humble and I know nothing about love and forgiveness. Lord, I realize that this implies that You and I don’t have a lot in common. But Lord I want You so bad, I need You in my life so desperately. Break this pride of mine, make me fall to my knees in honesty and sincerity. Stop me from trying to earn the freedom I have already been granted.

Like the so many verses I have mentioned above, that suddenly began to make sense so did this song.
Hillsong- Nothing but the blood of Jesus

This is my prayer tonight ~ I pray Lord shows you that You can trust Him too. 

Brandon Heath says it better than I do -Trust You

Have a wonderful week!

M.

If you have a story of going from Broken to Healed in your walk with Him that you'd like to share on this blog, please feel free to contact me. Join in our efforts in showing that walking with Christ does not mean instant perfection - it's a journey of trust and faith, not our efforts and rules.


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The Obligatory End-of-the-Year Reflections

I lied.


I'm not reflecting. Not on here at least. Sorry.


But, what I am doing instead is a meme I stole from this blog. Feel free to read the rules and participate. It entails going through the first posts of each month this year, pasting the first sentence from each post and the link to that post.


Hummm wait, that does sound like reflection at the end of the day! So I wasn't lying in my title then :D


I spent the past hour or so living through the motives behind the different posts as I flipped through the months and reflecting on what state I was in.
In short - 2011 was a great year :) in EVERY area - yup, I said it, even though I had months where I was wasn't feeling so up or tidy, it was still a great year. And guess what? 2012 will be even greater.
You want to know why? Because I serve "... the God who gives life to the dead and calls into being things that were not." (Romans 4:17b, NIV). 


I began the year in the midst of pivotal change. In short, in those few months of the first quarter of the year, the only few things I was sure of was my past and my present... really simple things like my name... those sorts of things were what I was sure of. Where I would be moving to or what my life would be turning into after college were in the dark. The second quarter met me trying to graduate college as a sane person and battling a personal lost cause. I learnt that I can be an emotional mess and do well on an exam! Good times, good times - lol. The third quarter saw me mourning and celebrating - it is terrible to have a really good thing and a sad thing happen to you at the same time. You aren't quite sure which to do at what time: cry or laugh? It was quite confusing. The last quarter saw me mustering courage and ambition and making friends and just stepping out more and more out of my comfort zone. This quarter was my return to what I'd now call my new normal :) The past few months have been some of the best of the year so far!


So, while I wait to be transformed into what He is calling me into, enjoy the trip down memory lane!


January:  I’ve been missing God for… o say like weeks now.
February: But in our time something new has been added. (Romans 3:21, The MSG)
March: Sara's lyrics convey the perfect words for what is on my heart right now...
April: Something I will tell my Daughter earlier on... 
May: So… it is officially less than 3 weeks to my undergraduate graduation. 
June: I have a lot to say and write but I can't, mostly because my mind has been racing faster than the speed of light and I'm really really lazy now (this is what five years of college does to you) so these things will have stay between me and Him.
July: I think I can finally sit through and sift through my thoughts that have been running faster than the speed of light. 
August: Yes, we are in a broken world - there is so much pain...
September: Time is moving so fast.
October: You know that peach perfect day when you stand on the green grass and feel the air sharp and fresh through your lungs...? 
November: It's funny - tomorrow is my birthday.  
December: "We traded up, we traded out" We say.


Have a festive New Year Celebrations!!! 


See ya in 2012 by HIS Grace! Enjoy :D

Regardless of how you spend today...

      Last Night, depression and loneliness came jeering at my doorstep threatening to take over, reminding me of what I lack in close proximity and what I could have if God actually cared about me... I was just about to cry back in response and agreement with them when He let me have a silent realization...


What is the point of Christmas?
Why do millions across the world celebrate it?
Regardless of how I celebrate it or not celebrate it or with whom, does that nullify what we celebrate today and everyday?


     
      Whether you are alone this Christmas, or in the midst of your close-knit family, with friends or acquaintances, strangers or in transit... do remember that regardless of how you spend today or with whom, that baby wrapped in swaddling clothes some two thousand+++ years ago was the Word that became Flesh so that we could have that bountiful freedom to come into His presence unabashed and unashamed to have  our sins healed. He came in humiliation so that we may have peace... He came lowly so that you and I would never be alone... And so today as we celebrate His humility and our freedom regardless of where you are, a toast and shout of joy to Christ for the liberty He has brought humanity!!!

ooo and before I forget, MERRY CHRISTMAS!!! and I will let you taste the beauty of the wonderful Christmas tree in my apartment :)

Trade

"We traded up,
we traded out" We say


Huts for sky scrapers...
Hoes for tractors...
Hoop-skirts for booty-shorts...
Hats for do-rags...


"We traded up
we traded out" We say


Women can vote,
Negroes can attend Harvard and Oxford,
Non-discreet lovers can come out of hiding...
We are modern...


"We traded up,
we traded out,
Opportunity for all,
Opulence for the masses"




"We stayed put,
We stayed in a cycle.
Tyranny lives on,
In a morphed figurine of ourselves."


We may have traded green for machine,
We may have traded the opera for the telly,
We may have traded the postman for email...


Yet the desire and hunger,
the lore and the tale
of Man's menacing issues
live on into the future.